RedEye invited a couple of special guests to our chat room for some BCS banter.
PHIL: Coin flip. The Gators won tails. How fitting. Gator tails are quite tasty.
LEO: Wow. OSU takes the opening kickoff back for a touchdown. Guys, at least give me time to heat the chili. Early prediction: Florida sends every ensuing kickoff directly out of bounds.
OHIO BUCKEYE PLANT: My name is Aesculus glabra, and I . . . am … poisonous, baby!
CHRIS MALCOLM: Just got home and missed the first 5 minutes. Stupid Red Line. So, what did I miss? HELLO 7-7. Boom goes the dynamite.
LEO: Florida keeps the ensuing kickoff inbounds. My predictions are as convincing as these “Really, guys, Tostitos are healthy” commercials. Meanwhile, it is soooo uncharacteristic to see an Ohio State athlete penalized for committing an infraction.
CHRIS: Good gravy, Florida goes up 14-7. I imagine the Boise State team sitting at home thinking, “Hell, we could’ve done this to Ohio State.” Final score: Florida 112, Ohio State 98.
ALLIGATOR: … grooooaaaaak …
LEO: Is it too late to change the nameplate on the Heisman Trophy to “Chris Leak”? What is he, 8-for-8 now?
CHRIS: Quick deficit. Offense can’t get started. Florida’s band playing endless victory riffs. Ted Ginn Jr. is hurt. Those sounds you hear? That’s the entire Buckeye nation madly clicking on their PS3 “RESET” button during NCAA Football ’06.
PHIL: Big fella, that Tim Tebow. His name is actually T-Bone, but that’s how they pronounce it in Florida. OK, I’m just kidding, Florida! (Wait, you can’t read this anyway . . . )
LEO: Oooh, nasty TD run by Antonio Pittman. Welcome back, Ohio State. You’re finally looking like the guys destined to rot on the Detroit Lions’ roster.
CHRIS: Well said, Leo “I Love the Redskins More” Ebersole. There, now RedEye readers know the truth. And Chris Leak is looking like Rex Grossman in this game. That’s Rex Grossman circa 2002.
BUCKEYE: I was named by the German botanist Willdenow in 1809. Or maybe it was Lee Corso.
PHIL: Ted Ginn Jr. still hasn’t returned. Suspicious. I think his team of NFL draft advisers is holding him back until the Buckeyes have a lead again.
LEO: Jim Tressel’s decision to have the Bucks go for it on fourth down inside their own 30 is nearly as troubling as Phil’s commitment to go see “Stomp the Yard.”
CHRIS: I’ve always found that if on third and short a run up the middle doesn’t work, then it’s bound to work on fourth and short. Not. Gators go up 27-14. Prediction: 27 points doesn’t win this game.
PHIL: Uh, apparently, Ohio State’s defense apparently forgot T-Bone, Florida’s rushing quarterback, is still, ahem, a QUARTERBACK. :-0 Touchdown pass, Flo-ree-da.
GATOR: Grrroaak. Grrrroaak–cough, cough, hack! . . . Sorry, I had a frog in my throat. Eat your heart out, buckeye.
BUCKEYE: And we’re back. Unfortunately.
LEO: A rugby-style punt and a sack by a helmet-less defender. If the Gators run a Statue of Liberty play I’m nominating Urban Meyer for president.
CHRIS: I’ll do you one better. Urban Meyer wins the title Monday, takes the Miami Dolphins job Tuesday, and by Friday he’s lured away by Alabama after Nick Saban leaves to become King of France. Could happen…
PHIL: Poor Troy Smith is coming apart at the seams. Isn’t the Heisman curse kicking in a bit early? Uh-oh, I just saw Matt Millen placing a call to Lions headquarters. Can you say Andre Ware?
LEO: All right, here’s the plan: We sneak Florida’s defenders into Bears uniforms and line ’em up around Urlacher and Alex Brown. It’s almost … too perfect.
ALLIGATOR: Yaaaaawn.
CHRIS: So the magic of Jim Tressel’s sweater vest ends here. So be it. Another resounding showing for the Big Ten overall. Still, it’s nice to see the Gators finally win a national title in a major men’s sport since the school hasn’t done that since, oh, last April.
PHIL: Tell me about it, Chris. Gator fans will be impossible to live with. You know we haven’t heard from the buckeye in a long time. Where is he? Where the heck … Alligator!?!
ALLIGATOR: BURRRRRP!!
