Dear Amy: “Dan,” a friend and mentor during my college years, passed away suddenly last month. He had several separate and large groups of people in his life, and because of this fact, the viewing and funeral were large, impersonal experiences.
The funeral was a beautiful mass, but it lacked the essence of the person I knew, and I feel as if I still need closure.
In a couple of weeks, the college theater group that I knew Dan through is holding a memorial service. His wife said that she wants the memorial to be like a play, and the planners have actually started calling it “The Dan Show.” I believe that this is an inappropriate format for a memorial service. Many of the people who will be attending the memorial will be coming from far away. They were unable to attend the funeral because of Dan’s sudden death.
I don’t think “The Dan Show” will help me or others grieve. I suspect that the format was proposed because Dan’s wife is still having a hard time coping with his loss. Someone needs to tell her that the memorial service isn’t about her. It is about Dan and the people who loved him.
Should I skip the memorial service and try to grieve privately?
— Mourning in Atlanta
Dear Mourning: You seem to think that it has fallen to you to decide what is and is not appropriate. You also seem to think that you can schedule your mourning, and that closure will occur at the time and place of your choosing.
I’m sorry to add to your distress, but none of this is going to happen quite the way you think it will. Closure only occurs suddenly to characters on television. For normal people, this thing called “closure” is a process that takes time. Memorials can be messy and complicated, reflecting the life experience that they intend to celebrate. They might not be “right for everyone.”
If the funeral wasn’t right and the memorial isn’t going to be right, then you’re going to have to keep at it until you have exhausted your opportunities to grieve in an organized setting. Then you’re going to have to carry on the struggle outside of these ceremonies, because you don’t have any choice.
“The Dan Show” might not be your idea of appropriate, but from where I sit, it sounds as if it could be a fitting tribute to someone involved in the theater. I hope that you will choose to attend. You rarely know ahead of time what might end up being meaningful — to you or to others.
Dear Amy: I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman. The only problem is that she is married. We’ve never had a fight, other than about our situation, and I cannot imagine meeting a better person. We agreed that we couldn’t keep this going forever, and she was unwilling to take her son away from his father, so we split up.
I assumed this meant not having anything to do with each other, but she wants to keep in touch and continue to see each other without the physical aspect of the relationship.
She’s my best friend, and I want to keep her in my life, but is it foolish and naive to think that this won’t blow up in our faces? I believe that if I continue to see her, at least for the time being, I’ll never be able to move on.
Am I wrong in feeling that she’s being really unfair?
— Chris
Dear Chris: This wonderful woman really isn’t so wonderful. She was cheating on her family — and she is still cheating on her family. Whether there is physical involvement between you two is a fine distinction. She most likely is still getting the emotional involvement that she wants from you — and now she is keeping you on the hook without committing to you.
If you continue to see her, then you will not be able to move on. It’s that simple. If she were really your best friend, she would be generous enough to let you go.
Dear Amy: That “Wife in Need of a Vacation,” whose husband bailed out on their honeymoon because of his anxiety disorder, should consider how many more years of her life she wants to set aside for him.
No amount of counseling is going to turn this guy into a true marriage partner. This wife is replaying my own story, and I can advise her from my heart to make a fresh choice of a husband. This one is too flawed for rescue.
— Been There
Dear Been There: Ideally, a marriage is exactly the place where one partner accepts another’s flaws.
A serious anxiety disorder falls under the “in sickness and in health” portion of the wedding contract, and I give this woman credit for trying to work things out.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
