Returning an admiring gaze.
Smiling at just the right moment.
Leaning in closer to show interest.
It’s flirting, typically a natural part of building an attraction. Being good at it might be particularly prudent now that Valentine’s Day is here.
But flirting effectively isn’t as easy as it sounds, according to some lovelorn locals–and mixed signals make matters worse.
“Women don’t make it clear enough when they want you to come over,” said West Loop resident Anthony Gerardi, 36, adding that men unfairly bear most of the flirting “burden.” “Why can’t women approach men more?”
Flirting isn’t much easier for a Dolton woman who recently attended a Flirt Smarter and Date More workshop with friends at Jak’s Tap in the West Loop.
“I can’t tell when a man likes me until he’s pretty much walked away,” said Chanelle Dodson, 31, after the workshop.
Even singles who feel clueless about when and how to flirt can master the art of attraction, experts said. It’s all about being self-confident, choosing the right approach for the situation and being mindful of your body language.
Those non-verbal clues are the biggest problem for 29-year-old Kelli Ross.
“My friends tell me that I’m standoffish when men approach,” said Ross, who attended the flirting workshop with Dodson.
“I am usually shocked when people tell me I look very closed off, but I can see now how I might be coming across as bored or guarded,” said Ross, who lives in the south suburbs.
Appearing to be unapproachable is a problem for many women and men, according to Moxie in the City founder Christan Marashio.
“I would go to parties and be able to tell which people were interested in one another,” said Marashio, whose New York-based company offers flirtation workshops, including the recent Chicago event. “I’d see people walking away from a situation when both were giving each other the green light, and other times when someone was pushing and pushing for a connection when there wasn’t a prayer in hell.”
Marashio blames these bungled opportunities on misconceptions that men need to be armed with pick-up lines–which she says are actually a turnoff–and that women need to be beautiful to attract attention.
“The most beautiful woman in the world who is a complete [bleep] will be unattractive to people,” Marashio said.
Another misconception is that you need a clear signal from someone you’d like to get to know better.
“It does help if you can establish eye contact with someone you are interested in,” said Stephen Nash (real name: Stephen Shelley), the co-founder of New York-based Cutting-Edge Image Consulting and the Web site how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com. “But the key is if you want to walk up to them and you don’t get a sign, approach anyway. There’s a good chance that, if you’re in a crowded bar or lounge, the other person hasn’t seen you.”
Once you decide to make your move, the first and most important step of flirting is not to do it–at least not right away.
“Flirting and approaching are two different things,” Nash said. “If you flirt when you approach, women are typically turned off unless you are very smooth. Attractive women are used to getting hit on, so they may have their guards up and find your aggression a turnoff.”
Instead, Nash advises male clients to try one of two approaches.
“You can go up to a woman and say, ‘This is really embarrassing for me, but I saw you from across the room and had to take a risk to try and meet you,’ ” Nash said. “You are acknowledging the risk, exposing a bit of yourself, and it comes across as innocent and non-threatening.”
The second option is to approach the object of your attraction with a “creative” question, Nash said. His favorite: Ask a woman her opinion about an imaginary “engaged friend” whose wife-to-be wants to publish their wedding photo in the paper against her fiance’s wishes. That type of question encourages conversation, he said.
Once you get the “flirtee” talking, the work isn’t over. Then it’s time to observe body language, Marashio said.
“If two people are talking at a bar and one has their whole body facing away from the other, that means they are half-interested,” Marashio said. “Try to reel them back in by mimicking their body language, turn half away like they are, then turn back fully toward them over the course of about five to 10 minutes. That way, you can see if they’ll mirror your language.”
Marashio and Nash said their tips have turned shy singles into more approachable and adventurous flirters, but like anything, continued practice is important.
“Always keep your socializing muscle stretched,” Marashio said.
After the workshop, Ross and Dodson said they were ready to beef up their social skills.
“I’m going to attempt more eye contact,” Ross said. “And I will definitely stop crossing my arms so I can be more approachable.”
Dodson agreed, adding that she would no longer let attractive men walk away without knowing she is interested.
“I know I’m going to try to do better because it’s husband time,” she joked. “As a matter of fact, it’s beyond husband time.”
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kkyles@tribune.com
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BUSY SIGNALS
He’s checking his text messages while you’re talking. She’s brushing her bangs away from her eyes. When you ask him what he does for a living,he goes on and on about his busy schedule. Are these actions indications that something’s going right or wrong with your flirting?
RedEye asked dating experts Christan Marashio of Moxie in the City and Stephen Nash of Cutting-Edge Image Consulting to give us the skinnyon some common signs. Marashio weighed in on the men, and Nash shared his learnings about the ladies.
— Kyra Kyles
Her signals
– Moves her hair out of her face.
What it means: I like you and want you to see my face more clearly.
– Goes out of her way to walk past you or your table.
What it means: Stop me, I’m interested in you.
– Holds your gaze for three seconds or longer.
What it means: Come over, I’m intrigued.
– Turns her face, but not her body, toward you while talking.
What it means: I am interested, but you’ll need to do more to reel me into the conversation.
His signals
– Talks about career and busy schedule.
What it means: I want you to be impressed that I am hardworking and highly valued at my workplace.
– Touches your arm or hand.
What it means: I really find you attractive and wanted to find a non-aggressive way of touching you.
– Asks a lot of questions about you.
What it means: No, it’s not an interrogation, but I am very interested in getting to know you better.
– Stands with his head up and shoulders back while making animated hand gestures.
What it means: I’m showing off my upper body and showing you I have the ability to protect you.
– Focuses on your lips during conversation.
What it means: I am thinking about what it would be like to kiss you.
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PICKUP POINTERS
Having trouble visualizing the proper flirt technique? No worries. RedEye asked Paul Liles, 27, and Courtney Tepper, 26, to demonstrate some flirting do’s and don’t’s at Morgan’s Bar and Grill recently. Do you have a flirting do or don’t you’d like to share? E-mail us at ritaredeye@tribune.com. Please include your full name, age and neighborhood.
THE DO’s
Do smile at each other while talking.
Do lean in while talking to demonstrate interest.
Do lightly graze his or her arm. It’s a non-aggressive way to establish physical contact.
Do walk with your head up and a pleasant look on your face so others will find you approachable.
THE DON’T’s
Don’t walk with your head down looking distracted or unapproachable.
Don’t punch a man aggressively, as this says “buddy,” not budding interest.
Don’t touch too aggressively, particularly someone you’ve just met.
Don’t do all the talking.
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REDEYE ON THE SPOT
How do you flirt and where are you most comfortable practicing the art of attraction? RedEye asked locals at Jak’s Tap in the West Loop to share their feelings about flirting.
“I don’t have a problem flirting, but I would rather not approach a woman in a random place like a bar. I’d rather talk to someone I saw at the gym a couple of times or at a coffee shop we both go to. The best is to ask out someone I know through a mutual friend or activity.”
Brett Miller, 31 [ Lincoln Park ]
“I love to flirt. I use eye contact, a come-hither smile and, of course, I’ve got the walk.”
Millicent Walker, 28 [ south suburbs ]
“I love sports, and I’m a trash talker, so I talk to guys about that. The only problem is, sometimes, I think they see me more as a buddy than someone that they could date. … I’ve got to stop punching them in the arm.”
Jenna SheeHan, 28 [ Lakeview ]
