Stick Figure is so ready for the Daytona 500, he has checkered flags on his Underoos. Sign up for the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive. And visit Stick at redeyechicago.com/gofigure.
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: WHO IS WIKI GONZALEZ?
Jimmy Greenfield: Ricky Gonzalez as pronounced by Barbara Walters.
Phillip Thompson: I heard from a very reliable source he’s the White Sox’s “pedia”-trician.
Leo Ebersole: A distant relative of Don Julio Google.
Stick Figure: “Wiki” is my safe word. Mistress, may I have another, please!
Bag Boy: Based on my Google research, he’s a utility catcher who’ll get 299,000,000 hits this season.
TOPIC 2: WHO GOT ROBBED AT THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW?
Jimmy Greenfield: The guy in line for nachos whose wallet I lifted. Sucker.
Phillip Thompson: After looking at photos of the dog handlers, I’d say the judges overlooked some serious talent.
Leo Ebersole: Victoria Beckham really deserved more respect in the terrier group.
Stick Figure: Dogs are known carriers of cooties, and if you elect me, I promise to stop them!
Bag Boy: Colin Farrell. It’s quality, Colin, not quantity.
TOPIC 3: COME UP WITH A CHEER FOR NORTHWESTERN’S WOMEN’S LACROSSE TEAM.
Jimmy Greenfield: “We love you, you are El Dio. You make us forget NU grad Leo.”
Phillip Thompson: To quote the bard, Snoop Dogg, “You paid tha cost to beat lacrosse.”
Leo Ebersole: “Go you Northwestern, 3-peat easily. With your colors flying, you will make Duke mess itself.”
Stick Figure: La Crosse is in Wisconsin. Hey, that’s really true isn’t it? My head hurts.
Bag Boy: You can’t be talking to me.
TOPIC 4: WHAT QUALIFIES AS CHEATING IN AUTO RACING?
Jimmy Greenfield: Crashing into and killing the other drivers.
Phillip Thompson: No matter how long you’ve been chewing that tobacco, you have to pit to spit.
Leo Ebersole: Dating outside the family. Hey now.
Stick Figure: I hate when kids race in the soap box derby on 22s. Kids today. Sigh.
Bag Boy: Nitrous oxide. But only if you ingest it.
TOPIC 5: WHAT FRUSTRATES YOU ABOUT THE BULLS?
Jimmy Greenfield: They refuse to sign me to a $50 million deal, and that’s with the hometown discount.
Phillip Thompson: Losing to teams they should beat, and beating teams I bet to cover the spread.
Leo Ebersole: Tyrus Thomas. One day he’s his old LSU self, the next day he’s Marcus Fizer.
Stick Figure: Frustrating? I’ll tell you what’s frustrating! … What?
Bag Boy: I’m frustrated there aren’t enough pages in this rag to scratch the surface.
