When Simon Cowell says, “I’ve got to be honest with you,” we’ve learned to prepare for the ensuing verbal maul. So far, brutal honesty has defined this season of “American Idol.”
“It just seems like they’re being a lot meaner,” said Jessica Rhode, a 21-year-old makeup artist from Minneapolis who was reduced to tears when she was rejected by the panel of judges after her audition.
“The good news today is you’ve found out you’re not going to be [a singer,]” Cowell told Rhode on the season premiere. “So now you can just move on.”
Such exchanges have become the cornerstone for shows like “Idol,” “What Not to Wear” and “The Apprentice.” Reality TV is pushing the limits of honesty and social criticism into what critics of the shows are calling cruelty. Yet contestants and viewers are lining up to support the mass-deflation of Americans’ egos.
So if Simon can successfully dish it out to complete strangers in front of millions of people, does that mean we can be brutally honest, when and where we want, in the name of constructive criticism?
“One of the things this trend is really showing is we’ve lost the sense that the people who give us constructive criticism are the people who should be rooting for you: friends, teachers and family,” said Michael Kelly, assistant professor at the Loyola School of Social Work. “Complete strangers get to say these extremely personal critical things of someone else. We’re normalizing it in a way.”
This normalization isn’t just academic theory. It’s becoming common practice.
JoDe Dietsch, an Evanston resident who used to live in the Ukrainian Village, said she’s been a target of unsolicited criticism. While living in the city, she went to a corner market to pick up some groceries. The owner of the store put in his 2 cents while she paid hers.
“When I went to pay for the merchandise, he looked at my legs, held one finger up, and shook it back and forth. ‘This is bad,’ he said. He said he and his wife had been together over 30 years and she would never go without shaving her legs. After he rang me up, he said, ‘here,’ and threw a razor in my bag with the purchased goods.”
She said she thanked the man and left, feeling more sorry for his wife than for herself. “I guess he thought giving me a free razor so that I could shave my legs would make me happy.”
Adrienne Flowers, a cocktail server from Lakeview, said, “There’s a fine line between being honest and being mean. There’s a point where you have to say things to keep people from going down the wrong path. Do it without sugarcoating it, but you shouldn’t be vindictive.”
Kelly, of Loyola, said criticism works better when it comes from a place of trust built from personal relationships, rather than from random comments on the street. Instead of relying on the opinions of strangers, he said it’s important to “create a community of people who can tell you the truth.”
Parents, friends and significant others are more likely to know when it’s necessary to broach the topics of negative behavior or a heinous fashion violation, he said. Their comments will be more meaningful than input from someone you don’t know.
“Most [criticisms] are probably things that people already know they have a problem with,” Kelly said. Introducing the topics as a familiar voice with authentic concern will prevent the recipient of the criticism from feeling attacked, he said. Unfortunately, approaching an acquaintance or loved one with a criticism is often riskier than approaching a stranger, because those who criticize have to deal with the aftermath of their comments.
“Our society actually bears in the direction of not giving feedback at all,” said Kerry Patterson, chief development officer at VitalSmarts and co-author of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.” Instead of directly approaching a social offender, people tend to opt for silence and then mock the person behind his or her back. He said this often happens in the workplace where employees will go to the boss with a problem about another employee, rather than trying to resolve the issue with the person directly.
Chris Allaun, a massage therapist from Buena Park, said honest criticism is more effective when it’s more about offering new alternatives.
“I think everyone is entitled to their individual creativity, but when it goes into left field, it’s OK to give them a choice,” said Chris Allaun, a massage therapist from Buena Park. “You can say: If you want to be creative that’s great, but here’s another option.”
No matter whom you’re criticizing or how you do it, inevitably there will be some people who just don’t get it.
In the case of “American Idol,” Patterson said, many of the show’s most awkward contestants don’t pick up on the fact they’re being mocked because they have a modified sense of self-awareness.
Levels of self-awareness differ from person to person, he said. High self-monitors, or people with a strong sense of self-awareness, are able to size up audiences and tailor their actions to other people’s responses. They will stop when they see the judges are cracking up, or curtail annoying work habits when they see co-workers getting irked.
Low self-monitors, he said, aren’t good at assessing emotion. The result is the continuation of socially inappropriate behavior, like the audition where a contestant keeps going while the judges snicker.
“Audiences recognize it’s cruel,” Patterson said. “This is a little bit like punishing the handicapped.”
Despite the ratings-reflected viewer enthusiasm for character massacre, Patterson said shows like “Idol” do not necessarily reflect an historical decrease in public sensitivity.
“They used to throw Christians to the lions for fun. I’m not sure this is the worst time in history,” he said.
Wondering if honesty is the best policy?
Michael Kelly, assistant professor at the Loyola University School of Social Work, “Crucial Conversations” co-author Kerry Patterson and Nick Boutros, a psychotherapist for the Center for Personal Development in Chicago, offer their honest opinions on when and how to approach someone with your words of wisdom.
Is it necessary? Will the person cause themselves personal harm or humiliation if you don’t step in? If the answer is yes, consider it a green light for some friendly intervention.
Are you helping? Calling someone out should always have the underlying intention of constructive criticism. Ask yourself if you’ll get anything out of coming clean with someone, apart from some selfless satisfaction. If the answer is yes, you could have an ulterior motive that isn’t helping anyone.
Be straightforward, not overbearing. Don’t water down the issue you’re addressing, but make sure the person you’re talking to knows you’re on his or her side. Try to discuss things in a private place and expressyour feeling about the situation rather than criticizing the situation itself.
(Example: “Wearing a tube top to work makes you look less like an analyst and more like a tramp” would be better stated as “I feel that wearing a top like that doesn’t broadcast the sense of professionalism I know you approach your job with.”)
This isn’t about making friends
“You need to account for the fact that this is probably going to cost you,” Kelly says. “Sometimes it’s worth it. But the myth that it’s going to be a whole tearful, `thank you, I love you’ thing, is a misleading thing from advice columns,” he said. “People will get pissed. Are you ready for that?” [V.F.]
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vfine@tribune.com
