Through an unprecedented tabulation error, the Oscar for best supporting actor really belongs to … the Evil Super Computer? Visit us at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: CAN MARTIN HAVLAT MAKE CHICAGOANS CARE ABOUT HOCKEY?
Jimmy Greenfield: Hey, Chicagoans care a lot about hockey. They just despise the Blackhawks.
Phillip Thompson: He’s by far the only Blackhawk who could have his own sitcom: Mah’ innnn! Mah’ innnn!
Leo Ebersole: Why, is he the one who programmed “Ice Hockey”for Nintendo?
Whizzer: It’s a good start, Martin, but try dating a supermodel. That’s just the world we live in.
Evil Super Computer: Sure, it starts with Havlat but then you’re on to the heavier stuff.
TOPIC 2: HOW IMPRESSIVE IS ROGER FEDERER’S STREAK OF NO. 1 RANKINGS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Nearly as impressive as thetime I ate 52 Toll House cookies in 23 minutes.
Phillip Thompson: No one’s betterer.
Leo Ebersole: He couldn’t hold Pete Sampras’ jock. Sorry … a little reflexive flag-waving there.
Whizzer: Three years? No one’s dominated their profession that long since Judge Judy.
Evil Super Computer: He’s one of the all-timegreats–but not half the man Amelie Mauresmo is.
TOPIC 3: WHAT IS A SUPERSECTIONAL?
Jimmy Greenfield: A couch with placeholders for bourbon and hookers.
Phillip Thompson: When Wilt Chamblerlain’s and Colin Farrell’s casting couches join to form Voltron!
Leo Ebersole: Phil was just in surgery for one of those. Now he’s a “C” cup.
Whizzer: Just a nickname I picked up when I ran a stud service back in the day.
Evil Super Computer: When regional high schools compete in a tournament …OF DOOM!
TOPIC 4: DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE GYROBALL?
Jimmy Greenfield: Only at 2 a.m. after I’ve been drinking.
Phillip Thompson: What is that, a new lottery?
Leo Ebersole: Only if it’s smothered with onions and yogurt sauce.
Whizzer: Absolutely. And there’s a50-50 chance it starred Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Evil Super Computer: My Japanese makers programmed me to say it’s a type of pitch … and nothing more.
TOPIC 5: DIDDY BID ON A SOCCER LESSON WITH DAVID BECKHAM. WHAT COULD BECKHAM LEARN FROM HIM?
Jimmy Greenfield: If you want to score with somebody else’s wife, bid on soccer lessons with her husband.
Phillip Thompson: To play only road games so he can always wear white.
Leo Ebersole: Sampling soccer moves from the ’80s.
Whizzer: How to be a pampered pretty boy? Oh, wait …
Evil Super Computer: How to bend it like Diddy. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.
