Christi Harber, 32, didn’t realize until recently that her successful business had turned into a commitment killer.
“When I was with a man, he would literally have to make an appointment to see me,” said Harber, who founded Christi with an Eye public relations and promotions firm seven years ago.
“My business comes first. I don’t mean to sound cold or cruel, but [public relations] is a demanding business,” Harber said, estimating that she sometimes worked 100 hours a week with little time to meet people, other than potential clients.
One West Loop resident has to “pen in” time to socialize.
Emergency physician Thomas Fisher, 32, said he has to plan free time in order to tear himself away from patients and demanding research.
“If I don’t do it, who will?” asked Fisher, who said he works between 50 to 60 hours a week at the University of Chicago Hospital. “It’s difficult for me just staying in touch with friends and family, let alone meeting someone new for a relationship.”
Is it possible to be too busy for love? The answer is yes, according to local love experts, who said busy professionals often have the financial security to get married but little time to meet a life partner.
Barbie Adler, founder of Selective Search, an executive search firm for male executives, said many of her clients are lawyers, doctors, business owners and consultants who pay a minimum of $10,000 for help finding women ideal for commitments.
“They work so hard to build an empire, and then later when some of these professionals look up, they’re still single while the majority of their friends and family is married with children,” Adler said. “They realize they haven’t made the time to meet the right person to be a partner, not a passenger, on their ride to success.”
For successful men, the moment of realization typically reaches panic pitch when they turn 40 and start thinking more about a partner–rather than a playmate–with whom they can share their success, Adler said. For women, it’s usually at 30, when they begin to worry that their “child-bearing window” is closing.
Or it could be 45, as in the case of attorney and Gold Coast resident Stephanie Matthews. When Matthews first started her law career, getting married was low on her list of priorities. It got lower, she said, as she began climbing the success ladder at big law firms during her 30s and within the first years of running her own Loop-based law practice.
Now, Matthews, who was raised by a mother who she said pushed career over commitment, is beginning to shift her focus.
“I do want to have a long-term partner, whether that means marriage or just living with someone in a monogamous relationship,” Matthews said, adding that her mother has begun to “bug” her about getting married. “I think I’m at a place in my life when I’m ready.”
It is possible to find romance while racing up the career ladder, said local psychotherapist and relationship coach Charlene Krombeen. She said successful singles must accept that love, like careers, takes work.
“You can meet the person for you anywhere, whether it’s at a wine tasting or the grocery store,” said Krombeen, who develops relationship workshops at Urban Balance, a Chicago counseling practice, for single professional women in their 30s and 40s. “It’s more about the energy you present in any setting you’re in. You have to be open and inviting, then make space for that person as you do the things you love to do.”
Real estate agent Pete Boland said he made space for a love life last year, when lack of commitment became a concern for him.
With his 70-hour workweeks, including Saturdays spent at showings, he said he began to lose touch with friends, family and potential flames.
“I kind of realized I was losing control over my work-life balance,” said Boland, who lives in River North. “I wanted to make a change.”
To make more time for his personal life, Boland last year brought on a third agent to round out the team and hired a licensed assistant to handle office work.
The strategy worked.
“I’ve got a girlfriend now,” said Boland, adding that he is now able to take Wednesdays off every week. “We’ve been together six months.”
For Fisher, the physician, making room for romance meant learning to say no.
“Now, when I’m asked if I’d like to sit on another committee or help with another project, I have to decline sometimes,” Fisher said. “I have to develop new relationships. I’m not as good as I’d like to be at finding that balance, but I’m trying.”
Harber, too, has cut back on her hours at her PR firm, reducing them from 100 to about 80 hours a week. She also hired interns and partnered with an event planner to lighten the load.
It’s still a struggle to strike the right work-life balance, but Harber said she’s realizing that it’s very important to find someone with whom she can share success, and one day, children.
Now if only that special someone could fit easily into her schedule, she said.
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kkyles@tribune.com
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THE ROMANCE PROS
Speed dating not your speed? Not in the mood to share secrets with a relationship counselor? Don’t fret, there are still ways to get out and date, plus score some romantic pointers from experts. Here are some local resources for lovelorn professionals.
— Kyra Kyles, RedEye
Get selective
The ladies don’t pay a dime, but for fellas it costs a minimum of $10,000 to tap into Selective Search’s national network. Barbie Adler, founder of the executive matchmaking firm, said Selective Search has a success rate of coupling off for 30 percent of members after the first woman they are introduced to, and 45 percent for the third woman they meet. To solicit their services, or be considered for their list of matches, go to selectivesearch-inc.com.
Eat your heart out
It’s Just Lunch (itsjustlunch.com) is billed as a matchmaking and dating service for busy singles. Local lunch buddies can coordinate through the service to get a lunch or happy-hour date with a potential match.
Cost for a one-year membership is $1,500 for a guaranteed minimum of 12 introductions, though introductions within the time period are unlimited. But there are often many more introductions in one year.
Company time
Chicago-based In Good Company (igc-chicago.com) calls itself the only traditional matchmaking service catering exclusively to the local gay and lesbian community. The cost for a one-year membership is $1,000, with a guaranteed minimum of 12 introductions, though there are often many more introductions in one year. You also can get a 6-month membership with a guaranteed minimum of six introductions, for $699.
Light up your love life
Scared to jump into a one-on-one situation right away? There’s safety in numbers at Candlelight Singles, a matchmaking service that invites 20 to 30 singles to local restaurants where, for a $50 reservation fee, they dine together–grouped by age, interests and backgrounds, according to the company’s director, Judy Silver. Dinner and bar tab are not included in the registration fee. Potential diners must fill out an online survey at candlelightsingles.com and send a photo by e-mail to judy@candlelightsingles.com. The group uses that information to send you a dinner invitation for either a Monday or Saturday evening, Silver said.
High-flying love
If you’re a high-flying professional who loves travel and fine foods, the Chicago-based Single Gourmet Dining & Travel Club might be the way to end your single status. Each month, this group of singles travels to different destinations, including Peru, Rio de Janeiro and Australia.
The club also gathers at local restaurants once or twice a week with members seated according to interests and backgrounds.
Most members are in their 40s, but thirtysomethings show up in force for the adventure trips, such as the one in Australia, said Carol Erickson, the group’s president.
To join, annual membership is $129 for the first year and $89 each year following, said Erickson, adding that dinner and travel costs are not covered by that fee. Find out more at singlegourmetchicago.com.
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HOW TO FIND LASTING LOVE
Are you a barracuda in business, but a guppy when it comes to love? Selective Search founder Barbie Adler offered tips to help busy, successful singles rack up points in the romance department.
– Carve out time in your schedule for social activities and if you can’t find them, create them. “Chicago is a sports town,” Adler said. “If you weren’t at a Super Bowl party, shame on you. If you aren’t invited to an Oscar party, throw one and have everybody bring their single friends.”
– “Don’t use work as an excuse not to socialize,” Adler said. “These people are successes because they have a strategy, a game plan for their careers. Some of them don’t have that same plan when it comes to their love lives.”
– Take an objective look at the way you present yourself–from clothing to demeanor–at social functions and ask friends to chime in with opinions. Remember, Adler warned, don’t shoot the messengers if you don’t like their answers. The truth can hurt.
– Adjust your attitude. Are you bitter re you a victim always looking for an excuse to fail in love? If so, Adler advises you to take a look at your own vices before you try to partner up with someone else.
– Get your mind right. “Think about when you pick a mate, are you being mattress-minded or marriage-minded,” Adler asked. The best looking “bad boy or girl” may not make the grade for matrimony.
– Don’t be sorry you’re single. “Though it’s important to prioritize social and romantic relationships, don’t let family and friends pressure you into settling,” Adler said. “If you end up at the Thanksgiving table with Grandpa and Grandma and they’re asking questions, tell them: ‘It’s easy to get married, but I don’t want to add to the divorce statistic.’ “
— Kyra Kyles, RedEye
