Lance Briggs, if you’re not happy with your current team, you’re always welcome on this one. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive to be a guest reader in Battle of the Fives.
TOPIC 1: WHY ARE THE SKY HOSTING A DANCE COMPETITION?
Jimmy Greenfield: They heard Big P quit “Dancing With the Stars” and sent him an invite.
Phillip Thompson: Isn’t the sky dance what got Chief Illiniwek in trouble?
Leo Ebersole: Because sometimes you just have to lean with it. … Please don’t misinterpret that.
Rahula Strohl: They’re hoping to lure Clyde Drexler away from “Dancing With the Stars.”
Bag Boy: They have nothing but left feet on that team, so they’re recruiting.
TOPIC 2: WHO OR WHAT IS PORTER MOSER?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s a wonderful dessert wine.
Phillip Thompson: Put them together, and you get “poser,” so I’m going with, “What is a Yankees fan, Alex?”
Leo Ebersole: A failed red wine that my investors would rather not see mentioned ever again.
Rahula Strohl: Last name for a first name? I’m guessing X-Games guy or suburban high schooler.
Bag Boy: The fired Illinois State coach and one heckuva jazz musician.
TOPIC 3: IMAGINE ONE PERK OF BEING BILL BELICHICK’S MISTRESS?
Jimmy Greenfield: You get to trade notes with Tom Brady’s pregnant ex-girlfriend.
Phillip Thompson: Scowling is a HUGE turn-on.
Leo Ebersole: You can afford a really good lawyer if you ever decide to shove a photographer.
Rahula Strohl: You get to touch Tom Brady’s chin-butt.
Bag Boy: You’re just a stolen cell phone away from Tom Brady. Sweet, sweet Tom Brady.
TOPIC 4: WHO ELSE SUFFERS WITH DAVID BECKHAM’S KNEE INJURY?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’m suffering just answering a soccer question.
Phillip Thompson: Knee-Q magazine
Leo Ebersole: I’ll tell you who doesn’t suffer: the rhinestone-studded knee brace industry.
Rahula Strohl: The faux-hawk industry
Bag Boy: All the other metrosexual knees who’ve lost their last remaining icon.
TOPIC 5: LANCE BRIGGS GAVE THE BEARS AN ULTIMATUM. WHAT’S THEIR NEXT MOVE?
Jimmy Greenfield: Print bumper stickers for fans that read: “Traded Briggs, kept Grossman. Screw you.”
Phillip Thompson: Can you punt during the off-season?
Leo Ebersole: They up their offer to $7.50 in guaranteed money.
Rahula Strohl: Right foot green. Oh, wait, we have to keep working after the Lovie deal?
Bag Boy: Take a page from his name and throw him in the brig until 2008.
