If you’re counting on our guys to help with your bracket, this is what you should do: Light a match and set your money on fire.
Bag Boy:
TOPIC 1: WHAT CONSTITUTES A CRIME IN SPORTS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Charging U.S. currency for Blackhawks tickets.
Phillip Thompson: I’m bringing Mark Prior in on fraud charges.
Leo Ebersole: Ozzy Osbourne singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
Brian Moore: Playing the Big Ten tourney in Chicago. Come on, Indiana invented basketball!
Bag Boy: Unlicensed heckling. Please, leave it to the professionals.
TOPIC 2: ANY SURPRISES FROM THE NCAA TOURNAMENT FIELD?
Jimmy Greenfield: Southern Illinois got a No. 4. Just surprised they rightfully got a high seed.
Phillip Thompson: I thought Florida State had done enough to make the tourney. Remind me to shed a tear later.
Leo Ebersole: The best Blue Devils team in the tournament is Central Connecticut.
Brian Moore: The selection committee still takes West Coast basketball seriously. Suckers.
Bag Boy: Somehow, my bracket’s already busted.
TOPIC 3: WHO’S YOUR NO. 1 SEED AMONG ANNOYING SPORTSCASTERS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Van Earl Wright, formerly of CNN Headline News. Heeeeee’s annoying.
Phillip Thompson: Dan Patrick, a man who has Bob Costas wondering, “How can anyone be that pompous?”
Leo Ebersole: Joe “I’ll spend more time talking about the game’s sponsors than the game itself” Buck.
Brian Moore: Chris Berman. Annoying enough for all four No. 1 seeds.
Bag Boy: Dick Vitale needs to be hooked up intravenously to a Prozac drip.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DOES NIT STAND FOR?
Jimmy Greenfield: Not In Tourney
Phillip Thompson: Nameless Ignorable Teams
Leo Ebersole: Nothing Interesting on TV
Brian Moore: No Interest There
Bag Boy: Not Interested, Thanks
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S THE LEAST MENACING COLLEGE BASKETBALL NICKNAME?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Northwestern Pantywaists.
Phillip Thompson: The Akron Zips. Although, if you’ve ever had a zipper mishap …
Leo Ebersole: The Mean Green. I keep picturing a slightly miffed Gumby.
Brian Moore: The Stanford Cardinal. How do you even use that in a sentence?
Bag Boy: The Penn Quakers. You’re supposed to leave the opposition quaking.
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