Stick Figure is lonely, and he wants you to call. Visit him at redeyechicago.com/gofigure. It’s only five lollipops a minute.
TOPIC 1: IF THE BULLS AND WOLVES WORE GREEN FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY, WHAT SHOULD ANOTHER TEAM WEAR?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Chicago Shamrox lacrosse team should, of course, wear black and blue.
Phillip Thompson: Most of the other teams can wear green, but the Cubs should save their outfit for April Fool’s Day.
Leo Ebersole: Shouldn’t be a tough transition to green for the Cubs. Half the team’s wearing money belts already.
Stick Figure: Green is my new best friend. Hi, green!
Bag Boy: The Blackhawks should wear puke green.
TOPIC 2: IF LANCE BRIGGS IS THE CEO OF HIMSELF, THEN YOU ARE THE CEO OF …
Jimmy Greenfield: … bourbon and hookers.
Phillip Thompson: … funk.
Leo Ebersole: … Jimmy Greenfield. Let’s just say our shareholders aren’t very happy.
Stick Figure: I’d rather be the CEO of something than the LEO of nothing. Hee hee!
Bag Boy: … Loserville. Population: one.
TOPIC 3: IF YOU WERE MAKING A HORROR MOVIE ABOUT SPORTS, WHO WOULD STAR IN IT?
Jimmy Greenfield: Latrell Sprewell, Barry Bonds, Chris Simon and Bobby Knight.
Phillip Thompson: Kobe Bryant loses his elbows in “Saw IV.”
Leo Ebersole: I’m partial to zombie movies, so probably Dick Vitale.
Stick Figure: I’m going to be in a movie! Well, it’s really just a 5th grader’s flipbook, but Scorsese’s directing!
Bag Boy: Ebersole, did you just get bagged by Stick a question ago?
TOPIC 4: WHICH COLLEGE COACH WOULD MAKE A GOOD CONTESTANT ON ‘AMERICAN IDOL’?
Jimmy Greenfield: Jim Boeheim. Angry over getting cut from the tournament.
Phillip Thompson: Illini coach Bruce Weber. His raspy voice is just what “Idol” needs.
Leo Ebersole: It’s a good bet Coach K can do a mean “Running With the Devil.”
Stick Figure: I’ll go! Let me get my curly wig!
Bag Boy: I’ve always thought Coach K had that certain Clay Aiken quality.
TOPIC 5: WHY AREN’T YOU PLAYING IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT?
Jimmy Greenfield: But I am! I’m also a U.S. senator, and little pixies live in my house!
Phillip Thompson: I’m allergic to sweat.
Leo Ebersole: I told the University of Miami I was a pure shooter, but they directed me to football tryouts.
Stick Figure: Scorsese called. The flipbook movie’s going with Keira Knightley. Sigh.
Bag Boy: Like every other aspect of my life, I wasn’t invited.
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redeyechicago.com/gofigure
