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TOPIC 1: WHY WAS JOEY PORTER FIGHTING AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN IN LAS VEGAS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Because he didn’t want to fight Colonel Mustard with a knife in the kitchen.
Phillip Thompson: Because he’s not licensed in Atlantic City?
Leo Ebersole: I know, it’s so shocking. Joey Porter’s such a quiet and even-tempered guy.
Rahula Strohl: It was the undercard of the Roy vs. White Tiger rematch.
EvilSuperComputer: In Joey’s defense, it was a Cincinnati Bengal. And we all know that they are, well, criminals.
TOPIC 2: WHY WERE TEENAGERS BRAWLING AT A HIGH SCHOOL GAME AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN?
Jimmy Greenfield: Making sure the Knicks know they are somebody’s role model.
Phillip Thompson: The winner gets a shot at Porter’s heavyweight title belt.
Leo Ebersole: A rumor started that the losing team had to play the Knicks.
Rahula Strohl: It was the undercard of the Knicks vs. Nuggets rematch.
EvilSuperComputer: They were possessed by the ghost of Knicks games past.
TOPIC 3: WHY HAVEN’T MORE UNDERDOGS ADVANCEd IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT?
Jimmy Greenfield: Right, like I’d know that. Why don’t you just ask me why God exists.
Phillip Thompson: Clearly, Cinderella’s in rehab.
Leo Ebersole: Because the bracket gods hate me.
Rahula Strohl: It’s the tradeoff for Duke getting bounced in the first round.
EvilSuperComputer: Maybe their shot clock imperceptibly was sped up to benefit someone’s bracket. But who?
TOPIC 4: WHO IS RICARDO PATTON?
Jimmy Greenfield: Lucille Ball’s first general.
Phillip Thompson: Either NIU’s new coach or the hottest act to climb the R&B singles chart.
Leo Ebersole: He’s partly responsible for getting Chauncey Billups to the NBA, therefore he is the enemy.
Rahula Strohl: The common grandchild of Senor Montalban and Gen. George S.
EvilSuperComputer: A troubled saxophone-playing basketball star in the next Spike Lee joint.
TOPIC 5: WHAT WILL KEVIN DURANT DO NEXT?
Jimmy Greenfield: Stop going to class.
Phillip Thompson: Accidentally bet on a college game using an agent’s cash. Oops, no choice but the pros now.
Leo Ebersole: Swim laps. In a pool filled with gold coins.
Rahula Strohl: What any good college kid does: Get busted using a fake ID.
EvilSuperComputer: Join my army of NBA lottery picks!
