Many competed, a few offered bribes, but reader Dan Aske won our Five on Five Talent Search. Congratulations, Dan! Gentlemen, you know what to do.
TOPIC 1: HOW DID GUEST-FOR-THE-WEEK DAN ASKE WIN THE JOB?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let’s just say right now I’m knee deep in bourbon and hookers.
Phillip Thompson: He figured out what Jimmy and Leo do every day and did the opposite.
Leo Ebersole: He completed the Five Tests of the Gods, three of which involved Jimmy’s feet.
Dan Aske: The same way I get anything: pleading and weeping.
Brian Moore: He fit the criteria: Help make us regulars look better.
TOPIC 2: NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT IN SPORTS ON EASTER?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Cubs are trying to rise from the dead.
Phillip Thompson: Fans at the Brewers game saw pink bunnies, a change of pace from the pink elephants.
Leo Ebersole: Judging from the bullpen, the Cubs resurrected the LaTroy Hawkins era.
Dan Aske: I thought I saw the Easter Bunny hiding snowballs instead of eggs.
Brian Moore: The Blackhawks have yet to rise from the dead.
TOPIC 3: IF IT WERE UP TO YOU, HOW WOULD THE CUBS MAKE THEIR HOME DEBUT MONDAY?
Jimmy Greenfield: In a warm-weather city.
Phillip Thompson: Bleacher Bumfight.
Leo Ebersole: They’d line up behind their shields and throw spears at the Astros’ dugout.
Dan Aske: I’d like to see a chorus line with the Cubs kicking up their cleats
Brian Moore: A win, no pitchers get hurt, and Lou Piniella gets ejected after arguing with Ronnie Woo-woo.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DO YOU SEE FROM THE BULLS AS THE PLAYOFFS GET NEAR?
Jimmy Greenfield: They have a good shot at winning the NIT, I mean, Eastern Conference.
Phillip Thompson: I tell you what I don’t see: post play.
Leo Ebersole: I see them eyeing Dwyane Wade’s progress nervously.
Dan Aske: I see Benny the Bull heading to Vegas sportsbooks to place numerous bets on the team.
Brian Moore: An agonizing, brutal first-round loss to the Nets.
TOPIC 5: DID YOU WATCH THE FINAL ROUND OF THE MASTERS?
Jimmy Greenfield: I tried to but accidentally watched the new Paint Drying Channel.
Phillip Thompson: In my world, clubs are for dancing, not putting.
Leo Ebersole: I flipped over for a minute to check out the talent. Alas, no shots of Elin.
Dan Aske: I thought golf was a conspiracy perpetrated by the government. Silly me.
Brian Moore: I thought this was the sports section?
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