RedEye reporter Kyra “Krusher” Kyles is up and ready to battle. She’s one baaaaaad mama. Visit redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: NASCAR DOESN’T RACE ON MOTHER’S DAY. WHY?
Jimmy Greenfield: NASCAR fans need the day to visit their mothers in prison.
Phillip Thompson: What would they call it, The In-Breeders Cup? Um, Kyra told me to say that!
Leo Ebersole: Because (searching through list of stereotypes) it saves its truly big events for Cousin’s Day.
Kyra Kyles: That’s a hard one. Help me out, Evil Super Computer … or are you getting ready for Motherboard Day?
Bag Mom: Because there are no timeouts!
TOPIC 2: IMAGINE MOTHER’S DAY IN THE PINIELLA HOUSEHOLD.
Jimmy Greenfield: I’m picturing a bad brunch and a good dinner. A .500 day.
PhillipThompson: (On the phone, singing) “Hi Mom, I just called … to yell …’I love you’ …”
Leo Ebersole: I imagine Mrs. Piniella has to remind Lou not to kick dirt around the house.
Kyra Kyles: He’s got a mother? I thought he was raised by wolves.
Bag Mom: You don’t get sent to your room, you get ejected from the dinner table.
TOPIC 3: HOW CAN THE BULLS COME BACK AND WIN THE SERIES VS. THE PISTONS?
Jimmy Greenfield: When committing fouls, “accidentally” sever all the Pistons’ hamstrings.
PhillipThompson: It’s time to ask Gov. Schwarzenegger for a pardon.
Leo Ebersole: They need a psychological edge. Allow me to introduce new coach Jessica Biel.
Kyra Kyles: Pull a Tony Parker and head-butt the competition. Did you see the gusher on that Steve Nash?
Bag Mom: Just give the Pistons a pep talk from my son, the professional loser.
TOPIC 4: THE SOX ARE TO THE ROYALS AS THE CUBS ARE TO THE …
Jimmy Greenfield: … Cicadas.
PhillipThompson: … British royals. They don’t have any real power either.
Leo Ebersole: … other team that should’ve left for Triple-A 10 years ago.
Kyra Kyles: … Calves. Is that a team? I told you I wasn’t good at sports.
Bag Mom: … Blackhawks. All teams only a mother could love.
TOPIC 5: THE SPORTS WORLD HAS THE SLOGAN ‘WHO’S YOUR DADDY’? MAKE UP ONE FOR MOTHERS.
Jimmy Greenfield: “I’m your mommy.”
PhillipThompson: “Who IS your daddy? I’d like to know, myself.”
Leo Ebersole: “Send more money!”
Kyra Kyles: “Momma said knock you out.”
Bag Mom: “Nag, nag, nag-nag. Nag, nag, nag-nag. Hey, hey, hey … call your mom.”
