If New York didn’t take itself so seriously, it would have been able to laugh at the gooey, self-important scene at Yankee Stadium 10 days ago.
But baseball is war and war is hell, and, hell, this was Roger Clemens, who New Yorkers believe is a descendant of a race of warrior gods from Texas.
Baseball is solemn business in the Bronx, and owner George Steinbrenner, himself as fun as a triple bypass, assumed a pro-rated part of Clemens’ $28 million contract so the empire could be saved. And Clemens, who was sitting in Steinbrenner’s private box on May 6, announced to the crowd through the public-address system that he was riding into town on his horse, Lucky, or some such thing.
Actually, he announced he was coming back to the Yankees and this led to quite an outpouring. It depended on the person as to what the outpouring was.
“Roger Clemens is in George’s box!” Yankees radio broadcaster Suzyn Waldman screamed into a WCBS microphone. “And Roger Clemens is coming back! Oh my goodness gracious! Of all the dramatic things, of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen, Roger Clemens standing right in George Steinbrenner’s box announcing he is back!”
That’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever seen? That’s it? That does it for you? A pitcher standing in a stadium suite in his street clothes? OK. But I don’t know what you’re going to do when the monumental news arrives that Derek Jeter finally is getting married. An hour-long special report?
If you say something bad about the Yankees and Clemens, the return volley from points east will be that you’re jealous. OK, I’m jealous the Yankees are signing a pitcher who rents himself out to the highest bidder for about four months of work. I’m jealous of a guy who is as big as Texas, who is headed back to the Big Apple, who plays us all for big fools every year with his retirement talk.
But there are no bigger fools than Yankees fans, who always are looking for the grand gesture, the big splash. And Clemens has made it a rite of spring to announce about month into the season where he’s going to play. It got old about two seasons ago. But New York absolutely eats up that kind of contrived suspense.
So there Clemens was a week ago, announcing his own return. The crowd roared when he was shown on the video scoreboard in the Boss’ box.
“Rocket’s the only one who could pull off the red carpet [treatment],” Yankees designated hitter Jason Giambi said before Tuesday night’s rained-out game against the White Sox. “The only thing that would have been better is if he had come out of a helicopter.”
There is something vaguely 1950-ish about the Yankees, to the point where you expect a PR man in a fedora to take you out for a few martinis in the hopes you will give a write-up to one of his players.
Trapped in the past? No, wallowing in it. Playing it for all it’s worth. Tugging on heartstrings.
“We’re a three-ring circus, no doubt about it,” Giambi said. “We’re in the headlines every day. That is some of the aura that comes with playing for the Yankees. It is one of the most talked-about teams on the planet. Everybody loves what’s going on, whether it be good or bad. That makes it fun.”
No, fun would be having a laugh or two. The Yankees were 17-19 and 8 1/2 games out of first place going into Tuesday’s game at The Cell, and Steinbrenner was close to popping a vein in one of his eyeballs. It’s why he’s shelling out all that money for Clemens.
What the Yankees and New York could use is Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. Now, the last thing I want is for Guillen to leave town. He’s the best thing that ever happened to sportswriters and fans here. But can you imagine?
The New York writers would ask about an Alex Rodriguez slump, Guillen would call him a bleeping something or other and the back-page headline in the next day’s Post would be, “Ozzie’s secret love nest.”
And Guillen would respond by saying that rents are too high in New York.
We’re learning quickly that spending a lot of money — hello, Cubs — doesn’t necessarily translate into victories. The Yankees have spent the defense budget of Peru over the last several years but haven’t won a World Series since 2000.
The Sox kept a reasonable payroll in 2005 and won a World Series. They even laughed a little that season. Is there a lesson in that? Probably not. In the Bronx, baseball wears a knitted brow.
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rmorrissey@tribune.com
