RedEye’s Tracy Swartz sits in this weekend. She drives a mean bike, but, unfortunately, she didn’t qualify for Sunday’s Indianapolis 500. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1. THE INDY 500 IS THE “GREATEST SPECTACLE IN RACING.” GIVE CHICAGO SPORTS A CATCHPHRASE.
Jimmy: “Why us?”
Leo Ebersole:”More agony than a Chris Berman-anchored ‘SportsCenter.’ “
Tracy Swartz: “The Big Queasy.”
Brian Moore: “The Greatest Spectacle in Misery.”
Bag Boy:”The Seven Blunders of the Sports World.”
TOPIC 2. WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR IN THE INDY 500: DANICA PATRICK, MILKA DUNO OR SARAH FISHER?
Jimmy: Milka Duno. Quite simply, because I love Milk Duds.
Leo Ebersole: I’m sorry, did Question Guy just start speaking Dutch?
Tracy Swartz: Milka, because I Duno who else to root for.
Brian Moore: Milka. Sorry, Danica and Sarah. You had your chance-and blew it!
Bag Boy: Milka hasn’t disappointed me like Danica. Why don’t you call?
TOPIC 3. THREE WOMEN RACING AGAINST 30 MEN IS LIKE …
Jimmy: … one woman racing against nine men, something like that. I was never good at math.
Leo Ebersole:… the beginning of Jimmy’s letter to Penthouse.
Tracy Swartz:… the race to draft fantasy football picks.
Brian Moore:… the Cubs vs. any major-league team.
Bag Boy:… me trying to find a decent team to root for in this city.
TOPIC 4. WHAT’S BETTER: THE NBA PLAYOFFS OR THE NCAA BASKETBALL TOURNEY?
Jimmy: I wouldn’t dignify that with a response, but I have no dignity. NCAA tourney, of course.
Leo Ebersole: March Madness is like shock therapy to the NBA’s green tea.
Tracy Swartz: The NCAA tourney, a.k.a. Gator Raid.
Brian Moore: The NCAA tourney. The players are paid much less (I think) but put on a better show.
Bag Boy: NBA. No college teams from around here can make the tourney, so what’s the use?
TOPIC 5. THE NBA PLAYOFFS ARE LONGER THAN …
Jimmy: … Tracy’s relationship with her first imaginary boyfriend.
Leo Ebersole: … a Terrell Owens diary entry.
Tracy Swartz: … the Cubs’ hunt for a World Series title.
Brian Moore: … Bag Boy’s quest for Chicago sports happiness.
Bag Boy: … the NHL playoffs. That’s saying something, because I didn’t know hockey still existed.
