Courtney learned of Bill’s affair when a sheriff’s deputy delivered paternity papers. That was 14 years ago. …
“I can’t say I’ve gotten over the pain the affair caused,” Courtney says. “It’s just lessened a little over the years.”
She says forgiving Bill is “an ongoing process. Once I decided to stay, I did what I could to make that happen: counseling, journal-writing, screaming matches, time alone. It’s a decision I made every day, until finally it became easier.
“Bill had to do his part. He had to let me tell him I hated him as often as I needed to, for as long as it took. He was not allowed to tell me to get over it. If he ever had, I would have gotten over him and kicked him where it hurts before I went.
“Even after 14 years, I still think about the affair and not just because of the betrayal. It changed every memory I had of the marriage. It made me rethink every vacation, every moment we were together. It made me wonder if he was thinking of her then; had they been with each other before we went here or there. Everything changed. I looked at my photo albums with new eyes.
“You never forget what happened, but you do get over it. Keeping it with you is like drinking poison. If your husband is willing to work on the marriage with you, and you truly love each other, it does get better. And the marriage can become stronger. And you can come out on the other side still standing.
“What is it that country song says? ‘If you’re going through hell/Keep on going/You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there.”
And now, Bill’s side of the story …
“I don’t know if Courtney ever got over the pain I caused her. I think she has learned how to manage it. I’ve never gotten to the point where I can forgive myself totally, but I manage.
“I think two things that helped us the most were going to a marriage counselor two weeks after Courtney found out and not telling anyone for a year. We needed that time to decide what we really wanted to do without the help of others. She eventually confided in a small circle of friends.
“I accepted that Courtney needed to be angry and mad and sad, and that if I loved her and wanted to save the marriage, I would just have to deal with it for as long as it took. And it took years. And that was OK.
“I told her as often as I could that it was all my fault. I did not try to rationalize my behavior or tell her that she bore some of the blame. Men who tell their wives they cheated because their wife didn’t understand them or pay them enough attention, etc., etc. are full of it.
“Men who cheat do it because they think they can get away with it. They’re selfish and need to grow up. I kept telling my wife she did nothing to cause the problem. It was all me. And it was.
“Courtney’s anger and hurt still kick in every so often, though it’s become less as years go by. It’s usually triggered by a movie or TV show that has infidelity as a theme.
“Over the years, I’ve learned that the pain I caused Courtney is deeper, larger, more painful and more destructive than anything I could have imagined. The fun and thrill of an affair doesn’t come close to balancing that. I’ve also learned that if you want to give your marriage a chance of surviving, you have to accept full responsibility and prepare for difficult times in the years immediately following. But if you both want to save your marriage, it can be done.”
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