Whatever you say here, please don’t make Jimmy Greenfield angry. Remember — he’s a Cubs fan. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
Stick Figure
TOPIC 1: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR LOU PINIELLA?
He can only berate people while in front of a full-length mirror.
Stand on top of the Sears Tower and shout landing instructions to passing planes.
Mandatory stress relief workouts with Richard Simmons.
Contract extension.
How is that pronounced? Lou Puh … Lou Puh … hmmm … Oompa Loompa?
TOPIC 2: WHY IS DANICA PATRICK SO ANGRY?
She just realized she’s the Chicago Cubs of NASCAR.
Maybe she thinks “ladies first” should apply to racing too.
After wrecking her car Sunday, she fears the inevitable Lindsay Lohan comparisons.
Because Michael Barrett mixed up her signs.
OK, Leo, I’ll say it: Boy, women drivers! … Oh, hi Danica! … Hey, that’s my arm. OUCHERS!
TOPIC 3: LEBRON JAMES’ BABY IS DUE THE SAME DAY AS GAME 5. WHAT SHOULD HE DO?
With his wife, host the most bizarre half-time show in NBA history.
Help deliver the child in the fourth quarter, then immediately sub him in for Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
Average 40 points a game in a sweep. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, my mom’s not gonna be happy that Gloria James has grandbabies before her.
Tip the stork very well. Takes a lot of gas for stork deliveries, ya know.
TOPIC 4: BILLY DONOVAN HAD A CHANGE OF HEART. WHAT HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ABOUT?
I once thought I was wrong but quickly changed my mind.
I was going for Obama as “Man of the Year,” but now that I know Tank’s running …
Whether to explain to Phil that no, the stork can’t just fly LeBron’s baby to the arena.
Turns out Jane Austen references don’t impress the ladies.
Mind?
TOPIC 5: GIVE US AN OPINION, GARY SHEFFIELD STYLE.
No, thank you.
People with three-letter names grow up to be dullards. Right, Leo?
Hang on, I need to get into character. Anybody have any human growth hormone?
RedEye doesn’t employ half-Indian men ’cause we don’t impress the ladies.
Gary Sheffield’s a nincompoop and I don’t even know who that is!
