Ocean’s Thirteen
(3 BOMBS: WILL REQUIRE THERAPY AFTER VIEWING)
Here’s another in a series of movies where the actors and director are clearly having a lot more fun than the audience.
It’s so painful that it makes me wonder whether the flow of money in the film industry is backward, and that it might be more appropriate if George Clooney and his buddies paid millions apiece for the privilege of mugging in front of the camera in Vegas for a few days, and the rest of us were compensated $8 apiece to watch the results.
In a bold departure from the previous films, “Ocean’s Thirteen” revolves around an elaborate casino heist. This time, the target is evil Vegas baron Willie Bank (Al Pacino), who cheated the gang’s beloved mentor Reuben (Elliott Gould) in a business deal.
However, Bank’s casino is so secure that it even has its own reactor core like the Death Star in “Star Wars.”
Here’s the plot: Well-dressed guys get in a room and say, “We’ve gotta blah blah blah” real fast and then run around the casino doing things that presumably put this plan into practice. The audience’s response? A chorus of “What did he say?” “What was that?” “What did he just do?” “Who’s that guy?” and “What’s going on?”
Much of the confusion stems from the fact that the cast of characters has grown considerably since the first movie, meaning it’s next to impossible to keep track of anyone beyond Danny Ocean (Clooney), Linus (Matt Damon) and Rusty (Brad Pitt).
At one point, the characters procure a huge drilling machine — the one used to dig the Chunnel, no less — and start drilling a giant tunnel under the strip to support their wacky scheme.
When it breaks, they get another one.
OK, fine, it’s not like “Ocean’s Thirteen” is based on a true story, but could we at least stay within the galaxy of plausibility? This is only slightly less absurd than, say, borrowing a space shuttle and sneaking it around downtown Vegas so you can throw a tarp over it and stash it somewhere to use as a getaway vehicle.
Perhaps the most incredulous moment is when Clooney and Pitt pose as hotel housekeepers. You know, because two white male housekeepers who look like they probably moonlight as models — nothing about that would inspire a double-take.
For me the biggest surprise about “Ocean’s Thirteen” is that it even happened, as “Ocean’s Twelve” was easily bad enough to be a franchise-killer.
Where does it end? I predict that “Ocean’s Fourteen” will grow to about three dozen main characters who spend their screen time goofing off, playing cards and bagging models, pausing only to pull off an elaborate Vegas heist involving unicorns and dueling aircraft carriers.
Better than: “Ocean’s Twelve”
Worse than: “Ocean’s Eleven”
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mrcranky.com
