The weekend is all about having fun. So let the fun begin with Five ooooooonnnnnn Five! Wow. Must be our medication. Sign up redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1. LEBRON JAMES IS TO MICHAEL JORDAN AS …
JIMMY: …the Chicago Blackhawks are to a piece of lint.
PHIL: … LeAnn Rimes is to Busta Rhymes.
LEO: … Dwight from “The Office” is to Bill Gates.
SUPRIYA: Paris, Ill., is to Paris, France.
BAG BOY: … Lou Piniella is to a nuclear blast. Wait, switch that.
TOPIC 2. WHAT WOULD YOUR NAME BE IF YOU WERE A THOROUGHBRED?
JIMMY: “The Two-Year-Old Virgin”
PHIL: “TheGlassIsHalfPhil”
LEO: “Ashlee Simpson.” But seriously, folks …
SUPRIYA: “Nonsense”
BAG BOY: “Heckle `n’ Hide”
TOPIC 3. WHO WILL BE THE NEXT CHICAGO COACH OR ATHLETE TO BE SUSPENDED AND WHY?
JIMMY: Lou Piniella, for dumping a truckload of dirt on an umpire.
PHIL: A.J. Pierzynski. At any given time he’s guilty of somethin’.
LEO: Ozzie Guillen will one-up Lou Piniella by punting an umpire into the stands.
SUPRIYA: Ozzie. He can’t stand not being the angriest coach in Chicago.
BAG BOY: Brian Urlacher, who flips out after mistaking Supriya for a really tan Paris Hilton.
TOPIC 4. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR STRATEGY TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER?
JIMMY: This might be tough for me, but I’d play the race card.
PHIL: I would borrow real-life drag “queens” from the nightclubs on Halsted in a bid to distract Jimmy.
LEO: I’d picture my previous three answers in an effort to keep a dead serious poker face.
SUPRIYA: Start playing with more than just pennies, to start.
BAG BOY: I fold. Why fight the inevitable?
TOPIC 5. WHAT SPORT DID PARIS PLAY WHILE SHE WAS IN PRISON?
JIMMY: Tetherball. She played the pole.
PHIL: The only sport she knows is tonsil hockey.
LEO: Cricket. Or maybe “cockroach.” Or “sewer rat.”
SUPRIYA: Stick ball–and she was the stick.
BAG BOY: “Sock her.”
