Coaches, managers, players, fans: Like to improve your beefing skills? Brush up your rhubarb? Learn just what to say and do when the official blows a call and deprives your team of the advantage it deserves?
You’ve come to the right column. This column recognizes the inevitably of umpires and referees failing to see things that occur in a game and claiming to have seen things that never occurred. This column honors your desire to speak out forcefully on the injustice of it all.
Inspired by the recent on-field fits and fulminations of Lou Piniella, Ozzie Guillen and A.J. Pierzynski and guided by experienced voices on all sides of such disputes, this column hereby presents the Top Ten Tips for Better Tirades.
1. Officials never change judgment calls, but there’s always a first time.
Generally, refs and umps worry that reversing a decision under pressure will destroy their authority and undermine their credibility. This is especially true when the petitioner had a poorer view of the play and can lay no claim to objectivity. But think positive!
2. The more you complain about the last close call, the more likely it is that the next close call will go your way.
Officials respect and even admire those who feel strongly enough about the game to throw a screaming, stamping, bug-eyed tantrum about it. Subconsciously — maybe even consciously — they’ll start favoring you, not those indifferent cowards on the other team.
3. Swear words underscore your sincerity.
Like many of these tips, this one also works well at home, office and school!
4. Remember: If officials wanted to, they could be right on every call.
The fact that they’re not always right underscores a bias that must be exposed. And once officials realize you are onto them, they’re sure to begin giving you the benefit of every doubt.
5. Officials don’t mind being disrespected and having their integrity and lineage loudly questioned.
I mean, come on, would you? While you were doing your job? Of course not! You’d be grateful to learn that others cared and were on their toes.
6. Much as they may pretend otherwise, umps and refs are very amused by sarcasm.
Though satire, like you’re reading here, sometimes eludes them. See, they’re just not as smart as you are.
7. If your complaint involves an interpretation of the rules or a request for another official to intervene, be as dramatic as possible.
Officials take pleasure in allowing others to make a big show of being right.
8. Even if your appeal is unsuccessful, your team will perform better if the players believe that the officials are against them.
Just like in real life, rage and paranoia are the keys to maintaining focus and making good decisions.
Look at the Cubs! Sure, they lost that game in which Piniella went nuts on the third-base umpire, but they had a winning record in the week that followed. Don’t let anyone tell you the streak is just a coincidence — that teams have ups and downs in any season and that even-keeled coaches tend to do better in the long run.
You know better. You always do.
9. A big display of temper will elevate you in the eyes of everyone present, not just the officials.
The measure of a man is the size of his spleen. An insane frenzy shows your commitment to victory, your knowledge of the rules and your finely honed sense of fairness, all fine qualities.
10. Use visual aids.
If at all possible, throw something.
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Add your helpful pointers at chicagotribune.com/zorn
