Michael Barrett got traded. And in one fell swoop on Wednesday, chicagosports.com’s Adam Caldarelli lost a soul mate. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Adam Caldarelli
Cubs Hand
TOPIC 1: WHAT WILL APPEAR ON MICHAEL BARRETT’S CUBS EPITAPH?
“Never learned to play nice with the other children.”
“They called him a dirty player, so he should feel right at home.”
“Played the game the way it was meant to be played: tiger-crane kung fu-style.”
“Could deliver a punch better than he could take one.”
“Helped the Padres win the World Series.”
TOPIC 2: WHICH ATHLETE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO BE YOUR DAD, AND WHY?
Wayne Gretzky. So my hockey career wouldn’t have ended at 12.
Daddy Yankee. Wait, something’s off about that …
Ultimate Fighting Championship’s Tito Ortiz. Because a father’s first duty is to settle your scores.
Shawn Kemp. We’d finally have enough to fill out the family 53-man roster.
Bill Belichick. I like a firm hand.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WILL PACMAN JONES’ FIRST MOVE be AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH A FELONY?
A quiet evening at home with strippers and ex-convicts.
He and his crew go into group therapy.
Make like you’re chasing Santana Moss — turn and run.
Hit the strip clubs, make it rain, shoot someone.
Put on his football helmet and start banging his head against the wall.
TOPIC 4: WHY DIDN’T YOU ATTEND THE MIDWEST LEAGUE ALL-STAR GAME IN KANE COUNTY?
If I want to see kids learning to play baseball, I’ll go to U.S. Cellular Field.
Are those all-stars or dwarf stars?
I’m staying underground in anticipation of Ozzie’s nuclear meltdown.
How do you know I didn’t?
I see enough minor-league games following Cubs pitchers.
TOPIC 5: WHO SHOULD THE BULLS GO FOR: KEVIN GARNETT OR KOBE BRYANT?
Kevin Garnett. Then trade him for Kobe. Hey, being a GM is easy!
KG. Because getting last season’s overrated big man solved ALL their problems.
The way he’s throwing his team under the bus, Kobe seems like a good fit … to manage the Sox.
None of the above. Ira Newble.
Kyler Burke. Clearly he’s the future.
