Hey–look, everyone it’s Phil. Yaaaaaay, Phil. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1. WHAT WOULD YOUR ANTI-SOX OR ANTI-CUBS T-SHIRT SLOGAN BE?
Jimmy: Anti-Sox: So how’s that dynasty coming along?
Leo: “Chicago Cubs baseball: Celebrating 99 years of pointlessness.”
Phil: For the Cubs, “Maybe next century.” For the Sox, “U.S. Cellar Dwellars.”
Tracy: Make love, not war.
Bag Boy: The classic “I’m With Stupid.” Works in both cases.
TOPIC 2. WHAT TIPS WOULD YOU GIVE NORTH SIDERS TRAVELING TO THE SOUTH SIDE FOR THE CITY SERIES?
Jimmy: Leave your brooms at home. But don’t forget your mace.
Leo: Those painted lines on the pavement are called parking spaces. And yes, there is such a thing as $1.50 beer.
Phil: When you try to do your usual pub crawl, be careful not to fall onto the Dan Ryan.
Tracy: Fly there in a balloon. There should be a lot of hot air near the field.
Bag Boy: Stick together in groups. South Siders don’t want to expend a lot of energy chasing you.
TOPIC 3. COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: IF THE CUBS AND SOX WERE INVOLVED IN A BRAWL …
Jimmy: …at least it would be nice to see the Sox get some hits.
Leo: … Carlos Zambrano promises to keep his pants zipped up this time.
Phil: … they would pull players from the pile and be shocked to discover Pacman Jones.
Tracy: Lou Piniella (the name as published has been corrected in this text) will have an “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret” moment.
Bag Boy: … somehow both teams would be last in their leagues in brawling percentage.
TOPIC 4. HOW WOULD YOU CONVINCE SOMEONE TO BUY A $32,500 VIP SEAT PACKAGE FOR THE CUBS?
Jimmy: Tell them they can write it off as a charitable donation.
Leo: It’s all about building up to the pitch gradually. First, I offer him land in Baghdad …
Phil: For that kind of money, you get to sit in Alfonso Soriano’s lap. Hey, where’d Jimmy go?
Tracy: Have Oprah do it. She can turn anything into a best-seller.
Bag Boy: Skip the sweet talk and go straight to the lobotomy!
TOPIC 5. WHAT’S AT STAKE IN THE GOLD CUP FINAL SUNDAY AT SOLDIER FIELD?
Jimmy: What, that’s soccer, right? I thought that sport folded.
Leo: Bragging rights in North American soccer. The city might actually pay the winner NOT to have a parade.
Phil: It will launch the career of soccer rapper Guadeloupe Fiasco.
Tracy: Mental stimulation. Soccer is like self-actualization with no peak.
Bag Boy: Pimp of the Year!
