With the speed of an evolving species, the Illinois General Assembly and Gov. Rod Blagojevich continue to “negotiate” the budget for a fiscal year that’s now six days away. The pols probably see themselves as Odysseus-like heroes of their own little epics — valiant warriors who’ll be remembered for their righteousness. Mostly, though, their collective rope-a-dope stirs little fascination as they trade insults instead of ideas.
Who knew that these same legislators would embrace protocols by which they can resolve their impasse? They’ve done just that, as we learned from a story by the Tribune’s Michael Hirsley at the bottom of a recent sports page.
Seems that earlier this month, lawmakers took time from whatever it is they’re doing in Springfield to pass legislation that legalizes and regulates mixed-martial-arts competition. Never seen it? Imagine watching fighters employ elements of boxing, wrestling and martial arts to battle opponents confined to octagonal cages.
This sort of thing captivates young men, who throng by the thousands to watch mixed-martial-arts events in 22 other states. Let’s all relish the pride rising in our chests now that Illinois legislators are increasing that number to 23.
The beauty of mixed-martial-arts is its reliance on a code of conduct equally suitable for Illinois lawmakers and for, well, guys in cages. Hirsley reported that rules established by the sport’s de facto think tank, Ultimate Fighting Championship, forbid head butting, eye gouging, biting, hair pulling and, our favorite, putting a finger into any orifice, cut or laceration on an opponent’s body.
Sure, you’re thinking, what sissies. No eye gouging? No hair pulling?
Ah, there’s more.
No stomping “grounded” opponents. No kicking or kneeing the head of a grounded opponent. No spitting at an opponent. No holding the shorts or gloves of an opponent.
No using abusive language. No timidity, such as avoiding contact or faking an injury. No throwing in the towel.
The Democrats who control all things Springfield seem to be abiding by that last rule. As for spitting and shorts-holding, we fret, but we really don’t know: Leadership meetings in the Capitol are closed to the press.
Blagojevich, once a boxer, seems particularly vulnerable to stepping beyond the rules. He looks a little untethered as his big budget ideas lie dead in the ring. He evidently doesn’t understand that many citizens blame him for the lack of action. He’s the governor who can’t govern.
So, lawmakers, governor, you might as well approve little month-by-month budgets to keep the state in business. That’s fairly harmless.
As for your valorous struggles over writing a full-year budget, just stick to the rules of mixed-martial-arts engagement.
And wake us when it’s over.
