The NBA draft is here. Sit back, relax and watch some postpubescent thyroid case quadruple yourlifetime salary in one day. Join the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Adam Caldarelli
EvilSuperComputer
TOPIC 1: IF YOU WERE RUNNING THE NBA DRAFT, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Each team would get24 seconds to make their pick.
I’d “accidentally” skip the No. 1 pick just to see the Trail Blazers freak out.
Suit control. Call me conservative, but let’s keep it to black, white and purple velour.
Ditch David Stern and let Gilbert Arenas announce the picks.
“The Bulls are on The Evil Super Computer …” The clock is so last century.
TOPIC 2: HOW WILL THE BULLS CELEBRATE DRAFT DAY?
All the players who didn’t go to college will flee to Canada.
With a fireworks display, a.k.a. Andres Nocioni.
By pouring champagne on new teammate Kevin Garnett. We all can dream.
By taking the fifth-best big man in the draft. Yes!
They’re shocked to find they picked someone named “I. Phone.” Hmm, how’d that happen?
TOPIC 3: IF YOU’RE JACQUE JONES, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
“At least I’m not Phil Thompson.”
“Geez, Ma, how many Jones did you know named Jacque?”
“If I strike out a little more often, maybe the Reds will want me.”
“Man, my arm sucks.”
“Trade me now — OR PERISH!”
TOPIC 4: BARRY BONDS’ SON HAS AN ANKLE INJURY. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Hey, kids are off limits in 5 on 5. Even when their dad is ajackass.
Clearly this was a case ofmistaken identity by HankAaron’s kids.
He’s weighing a few more”treatment options” than the rest of us would.
Nothing a little of the Clear can’t cure.
Might I interest you in a cyborg implant?
TOPIC 5: WHO WILL BE AFFECTED IF NFL EUROPA SHUTS DOWN?
Three people from London and four people from Belgium.
The league’s most obsessed fans, who we’ll call “Europa Dopes.”
Dozens of ex-Illinois and Indiana football players.
No one.
I will not allow NFL Europa to shut down without logging off properly!
