If there were such a thing as a Five on Five All-Star Game, they would be playing T-ball. Not that any of these jokers would make it. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: WHY HASN’T DERREK LEE BEEN HITTING MORE HOME RUNS THIS SEASON?
He’s a pacifist.
He’s saving them up for the big playoff push. Yeah, I was out in the sun too long.
A sick fiend has brainwashed him into helping the team rather than taking Sosa-like hacks.
What’s it matter? He’s got more hits than anyone else on the team.
Well, he’s no Mike Fontenot.
TOPIC 2: LET’S PLAY WORD ASSOCIATION: JOAKIM NOAH …
… crazy, but the good kind.
… that’s Cajun for “you’re joking, no way!”
… Sideshow Bob’s hairstylist.
… Bozo the Clown.
… the cavalry.
TOPIC 3: WHY WOULD A MANAGER RESIGN DURING THE MIDDLE OF A HOT STREAK?
He realized what he reallywanted to do was direct.
If only 50 Cent had followed that philosophy.
Because he’s managing the Mariners, not a Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team.
When you’re in Seattle, it’s the only way to get anyone to pay attention to you.
Well, we never have to worry about that here, do we?
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S A GOOD REASON TO JUMP ONTO A FIELD AND APPROACH A PLAYER?
He hasn’t paid you for that last batch of steroids.
Some of us have always dreamed of being carried off the field.
To get an exclusive, all-access look at the same type of jail cell Paris Hilton stayed in.
If it’s Barry Bonds, to tell him how much of a fraud he is.
To demand a refund.
TOPIC 5: WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THOSE PLAYERS FROM THE DISBANDED NFL EUROPA?
They return to the States and solve Jewel’s stock boy shortage.
They latch onto the NFL’s disability debate and sue the league for “no ability” payments.
Since they’re used to playing in an ignored league, they make the easy switch to the NHL.
They go back to being not good enough to play pro football.
They work as part-time soccer hooligans. It’s what I do whenever I travel.
