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Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Stick Figure
TOPIC 1: WHAT JOB OFFER WOULD MAKE YOU LEAVE FIVE ON FIVE?
Lead hooker at Heidi Fleiss’
new brothel.
Me and Gabrielle Union in a new feature called “One on One.”
Dressing room attendant, Elite Models.
Anything to get me away from these four nimrods.
Nothing could make me leave my bestest pals. Leo and I are making paper dolls tonight!
TOPIC 2: WHAT ARE YOUR MIDTERM GRADES FOR THE CUBS AND SOX?
Cubs: B-minus.
White Sox: D-minus.
B and D-plus. I wasn’t told there would be book learnin’ today.
Cubs get the letter on their hats — they should lead the division — and the Sox get a “Y?”
Sox get an incomplete;
the Cubs get a B-minus.
I give them both “i”s with little hearts on them!
TOPIC 3: JOEY CHESTNUT ATE 66 HOT DOGS IN 12 MINUTES. PUT THAT INTO CONTEXT.
That’s 1,028 pieces of
rat per minute.
It’s about three times the number of pit stops Joey Chestnut had to make over the next 12 hours.
Not even a “Sex and the City” marathon could force-feed him more crap.
More than you probably eat in an entire year. Except Bag Boy, of course.
Hot dogs make very good pets. I taught mine to sit and roll over!
TOPIC 4: SHOULD THE BEARS LET BYGONES BE BYGONES WITH LANCE BRIGGS?
Sure, as long as they make him take that smaller ring.
If by “bygone” you mean “bye” and get “gone,” then sure.
Hey, he wouldn’t be the first
crybaby to strap on a helmet.
Well, they let Tank go just for speeding, so I’m guessing no.
I put Leo’s paper dolls in the brig of the H.M.S. Prissypants.
TOPIC 5: HOW WILL YOU REACT IF CARLOS ZAMBRANO DOESN’T MAKE THE ALL-STAR TEAM?
Sit back and wait for him to say something stupid.
I wouldn’t worry. Mr. Angry can still make the All-Stare team.
I will count down the days until the next Cubs-Padres series.
I’ll do my big Z and take a nap.
One time, Brian slapped the back of my head, and I saw all stars! Do it again, Brian!
