We called up chicagosports.com’s Rahula Strohl from the Five on Five minor leagues. Be funny or be sent down! Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
EvilSuperComputer
TOPIC 1: WHAT IS BARRY BONDS LIKELY TO HEAR FROM WRIGLEY’S BLEACHER BUMS?
“Hey, Barry, move your gargantuan head! I can’t see the infield!”
A) Will you have a home-run party? and B) Will there be a keg?
“Are you hiring?”
“Oh, dear God, that 12th Old Style is comin’ up!”
“Hey, slugger, nice butt!” Now for the women …
TOPIC 2: LEBRON SANG ‘MY PREROGATIVE’ AT THE ESPYS. PICK A SONG FOR ANOTHER ATHLETE.
“If You Don’t Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife,” by Alex Rodriguez.
“Buy U A Drank” for Tank Johnson. “Rehab” for Kerry Wood.
For ex-Gonzaga star Adam Morrison: Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”
Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” for Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson or Pacman Jones.
From “Don’t Stop Believin’ ” to “Livin’ on a Prayer,” your Chicago White Sox.
TOPIC 3: WHAT’S NEXT FOR LANCE BRIGGS?
He’s on a fast track to win a 2008 ESPY for stupidest athlete.
He’ll be comparing career strategies with Sandra Bullock.
Luxury bench-cushion shopping.
Well, he won’t be at camp so … Lollapalooza?
He and Tank Johnson will form Idiots Anonymous!
TOPIC 4: THE PHILLIES HAVE REACHED 10,000 LOSSES. YOUR REACTION?
And the Cubs haven’t? Really? Are you sure? Really?
Big whoop. Give the Blackhawks a 162-game schedule and watch that record tumble.
That’s roughly one loss for every 100 cheesesteak-eating whiners. Not a bad ratio.
If it weren’t for Steve Carlton, this would have been 2-year-old news.
I project the Cubs’ 10,000th loss: Game 7 of the 2017 World Series. HAHAHAHAHA!
TOPIC 5: WHAT WOULD WE FIND IN YOUR SPORTS DIARY?
A lock of Wayne Gretzky’s hair.
“Dear diary, Serena Williams threw me on her back and carried me to prom. It was magical.”
A ripped-out page on the day the Redskins started Shane Matthews at QB.
I swam, so the water made the ink run.
“I saw the Bears’ new scoreboard today. Dreamy!”
