Jimmy, Leo, Phil, Tracy and Bag Boy tackle some difficult questions this weekend. That’s why we pay them the big bucks. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT DOES SOCCER STAR DAVID BECKHAM’S ARRIVAL IN AMERICA MEAN FOR YOU?
Jimmy: If my prayers are answered, “Bend It Like Beckham 2: Electric Boogaloo.”
Leo: Not much, but to be fair, I’m not a manicurist.
Phil: Only one man needs to squint that much, and that’s Clint Eastwood.
Tracy: More chances to learn how to “Bend it like Beckham.”
Bag Boy: I’ve never heckled with a British accent before.
TOPIC 2: WHO IS THE HARRY POTTER OF CHICAGO SPORTS AND WHAT IS HIS POWER?
Jimmy: Mark Prior, the boy wonder who can disappear.
Leo: It’s Kirk Hinrich and his magical ability to lose confidence in his jumper.
Phil: Kirk Hinrich with glasses IS Harry Potter. He has the power to miss clutch 3-pointers.
Tracy: Jo Noah has the power to woo the ladies with his seersucker.
Bag Boy: Ozzie Guillen, who can breathe fire through his nostrils.
TOPIC 3: IF THE CUBS KEEP WINNING, I’LL …
Jimmy: … nervously wait to see how they’ll break my heart in October.
Leo: … be forced to recognize the awesome power of the Cliff Floyd Effect.
Phil: Write a song in tribute to Lou Piniella. No lyrics, just screaming.
Tracy: Stop watching. Oh, wait.
Bag Boy:… get drunk and run naked through Wrigley, or whatever else I have to do to blend in.
TOPIC 4: SATURDAY IS CARLOS ZAMBRANO BOBBLEHEAD DAY AT WRIGLEY. MAKE UP A PROMOTION FOR FIVE ON FIVE.
Jimmy: Leo Ebersole knucklehead day.
Leo: Bizarro Jimmy Day — apple juice and nuns for everyone.
Phil: The Jimmy Greenfield Cueball Giveaway.
Tracy: Bat day. And I’m not talking about those corked ones.
Bag Boy: Tracy told me to say Rafael Nadal Jell-O Wrestling Day. Great, now I can’t eat Jell-O!
TOPIC 5: WHITE SOX GM KEN WILLIAMS LIKENED THE TEAM’S CURRENT ROAD TRIP TO A TEST. WHAT HAS HE LEARNED?
Jimmy: The future sucks.
Leo: That tying success to test scores just doesn’t work.
Phil: You can use any pen for the test except the Sox bullpen.
Tracy: Like Ralph Wiggum, some students should just be held back a grade.
Bag Boy: No lead is safe with these Sox.
