Alfonso Soriano’s hurt, so we invited the Cubs Hand to see how he’s handling the situation. Somebody put the censors on standby just in case. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
Cubs Hand
TOPIC 1: ALFONSO SORIANO’S OUT FOR A WHILE. WHAT IS CUBS HAND THINKING?
“What a wuss. I’ve never pulled a quad, and I’ve got five of ’em.”
He’s a hand. He doesn’t have a brain — like the Scarecrow or Rory Sabbatini.
“Thank God the walls inWrigleyville already are padded to protect the drunks.”
If Cubs Hand is any kind of Cubs fan, he/she saw this coming as soon as the Cubs hit .500.
“So much for getting some jewelry for my ring finger.”
TOPIC 2: FIRST SAMMY SOSA’S 600. THEN TOM GLAVINE’S 300. WHAT’S THE CONNECTION?
They’re both first-class people. Well, one of them anyway.
They were both Cubs losses, but that could be every other day.
Destiny is the bat, and the Cubs are the pinata.
The Cubs only appreciate milestones divisible by 3. Even Pete Rose’s 4,191st hit.
Our humiliation is the stuff of legends.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WILL PACMAN JONES DO AT HIS WRESTLING DEBUT THURSDAY?
It’s on a Thursday? Then commit only one felony, possibly two.
Pin what’s left of his career against the ropes, then finish it off!
Someone will pass him the mic to give a prefight speech, and it will bounce off his hands.
Fit in perfectly.
Somehow get suspended by another league.
TOPIC 4: WHY DID MARINER MOOSE ALMOST RUN OVER COCO CRISP?
Because 7 8 9. Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
He goes crazy whenever he’s around his favorite cereal, kind of like the Trix Rabbit.
Fun fact: Mariner Moose moonlights as a hit man for the Yankees.
He wanted to have the coolest name in the ballpark.
Kind of an interesting twist on moose-hunting, wouldn’t you say, bipeds?
TOPIC 5: IS DAVID BECKHAM A BUST?
Is he still in America?
I wrote a little poem for him: Either play or go away. The end (hopefully).
Don’t you have to actually play to be considered a bust?
No, but he’s busty. No wait, that’s his wife.
It’s not official unless he becomes a Cubs minor-leaguer.
