It’s a tough time to be an athlete or sports official. For high-profile sports names such as Michael Vick, Tim Donaghy, Pacman Jones, Barry Bonds and others, it seems like there is an indictment or federal investigation lurking around every corner. As always, RedEye’s here to help. We’ve fashioned a catch-all plea agreement for today’s sports figure to carry with them at all times. If you can’t beat the rap, cop a plea.
PLEA AGREEMENT
– I, the undersigned athlete, manager or other sports figure, hereby plead guilty to the following crime(s):
[Check all that apply]– Assault
– Battery
– Soliciting narcotics, steroids and/or other illegal substances
– Trafficking narcotics, steroids and/or other illegal substances
– DUI
– DWI
– WWE
– Perjury
– Gambling
– Making it rain
– Weapons possession
– Resisting arrest
– General stupidity
– Failure to be a role model
I believe that I DESERVE the following punishment by my LEAGUE: [Check one]
– Restriction of video-game privileges
– Stern tongue-lashing
– One-game suspension
– Two-game suspension
I believe that I will GET the following punishment by my LEAGUE: [Check one]
– 1/4 season suspended
– 1/2 season suspended
– Full season suspended
– Lifetime ban
I believe that I DESERVE the following punishment by a STATE AND/OR FEDERAL COURT:
[Check all that apply]– Ankle monitor/home detention
– Rehab
– Community service
– 30 days (time-served)
I believe that I will GET the following punishment by a STATE AND/OR FEDERAL COURT: [Check one]
– 30 days
– 90 days
– A year
– The kitchen sink
List all character references
Name:
List all character references without criminal records
Name:
Provide the following signatures (where they apply)
Coach:
Commissioner:
Attorney:
Agent:
Corporate sponsor:
Record producer:
— Fingerprint:
Print name:
— Signature:
— Date:
