After all that food this holiday, we hope you’re ready for four more hot dogs. Stick Figure insists on being the potato salad. Don’t ask. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
Stick Boy
TOPIC 1: PICK A PRO ATHLETE AND TELL US WHAT HE OR SHE DID ON LABOR DAY.
Carlos Zambrano. Took the day off.
I’m sure Michael Vick was in some prosecutor’s office getting grilled.
Carlos Zambrano celebrated his ninth meltdown of the season with fondue.
Ronaldinho visited an orthodontist. That’s right, Jimmy, soccer. Deal.
Labor Day? But I don’t want to go into labor!
TOPIC 2: WHAT EXACTLY IS A DODGER?
A pickpocket from theElizabethan era.
Something you want to be when the White Sox are drafting.
Something that avoids direct contact. See: Jim Thome’s bat.
A Dickensian pickpocket.
That’s a dodgeball player,
Silly Billy.
TOPIC 3: WHY WOULD SOMEONE QUIT DURING THE MIDDLE OF A GAME?
For the same reason that sometimes I
Better question: Why would someone quit in the middle of the season? Huh, White Sox?
I don’t know, but the Michigan Wolverines are eager to learn.
Mom said I had to clean my room.
Maybe he didn’t finish all his veggies before he went out to play.
TOPIC 4: TEAM USA BASKETBALL WON THE GOLD. WHAT’S NEXT?
In the Olympics they’ll lose to Appalachian State.
Knowing those NBA players, platinum.
The medals end up in a pawn shop when they are mistakenly entrusted to a group of referees.
Won the gold what?
Red, white and blue pudding! Rahula makes it for me, but he uses lead paint.
TOPIC 5: LANCE BRIGGS HIRED A LIMO. WHERE DOES THAT RANK IN THE HISTORY OF SMART MOVES?
It doesn’t. He hired the limo a tad bit too late, you know?
Just above that moment of clarity first graders have when they stop eating glue.
Just above Ben Affleck agreeing to do “Gigli.”
It’ll be tops among Chicago athletes until Jon Garland shaves his soul patch.
Now that Labor Day is over, does that mean it’s my birthday?
