Jimmy Greenfield sits — one day after a devastating Bears loss. Coincidence? We think not. Tracy Swartz, you’re up! Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Tracy Swartz
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
Evil Super Computer
TOPIC 1: FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY ABOUT THE BEARS OFFENSE.
They worked together … to lose.
They’re talented, if you think about it. Several players can butter toast with their fingers.
It already looks three times as good as Notre Dame’s offense.
Adrian Peterson had 103 yards rushing and a 60-yard touchdown catch. Oh, wait …
They’re not completely useless. The Chargers couldn’t have won without them.
TOPIC 2: WHAT ARE THE CHIEFS, THE BEARS’ NEXT OPPONENT, THINKING RIGHT NOW?
It’s a long road through Misery to get to Chicago.
“Can we play real bears instead?”
“TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL! … SUNDAY, WE WALLOW IN CRAP!”
“Mmm … Kansas City barbec — What? Football?”
“We’re the Britney Spears of the NFL.”
TOPIC 3: TRACY CALLS HER FANTASY TEAM ‘SWARTZCENTER.’ COME UP WITH A NICKNAME FOR another PANELIST.
The Mourning-After Phil.
‘Hula Oops.
The Strohl-er Set.
Unful-Philled Promises. Flowers and lobster dinners, he tells me. I get dandelions and McDonald’s.
Leo DiCRAPrio.
TOPIC 4: WHO’S MORE DOMINANT, TIGER WOODS OR ROGER FEDERER, AND WHY?
Woods. Federer is Clay Achin’ because of Rafael Nadal.
What sounds more intimidating to you, “Tiger” … or “Roger?”
Tough to say. They’re tied for “most ridiculously metrosexual Gillette ads.”
The only way to find out: MUD WRESTLING!
Is there some reason I wasn’t included in this list?
TOPIC 5: HOW WOULD THE BRITNEY SPEARS FIASCO BE HANDLED IN THE SPORTS WORLD?
Britney could play a bedazzled polar bear opposite Dan Marino in the “Ace Ventura” sequel.
Her wardrobe designers would be fined for hip-checking (or the lack of it, actually).
Multiple 5-yard penalties for hands to the face.
She’d be given the starting job over Thomas Jones.
If she were a baseball player, she’d be sent down to the minors!
