Boy, you try to start off the NFL season without a hitch and what happens? You already have cheating! Welcome to modern American sports. So what do we have against Las Vegas again? Anyhoo, Roger Goodell went all Robo-Commissioner on the Patriots: He slammed coach Bill Belichick with a maximum $500,000 penalty and fined the team $250,000 and up to a first-round draft pick for spying on the Jets’ defensive signals. I’ve seen the Jets defense — they WAY overpaid! Now let’s try to get through these NFL picks before we find out another scandal like the Bears offense trying to throw games — by playing them. Heyo!
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MATCHUP
Kansas City at BEARS
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Larry Johnson had 10 carries for 43 yards in the season opener. Don’t expect the Chiefs to make the same mistake against the Bears. LJ should get at least 25 carries … for 43 yards.
THE LINE
Bears by 12
FINAL SHAKE
Bears
MATCHUP
Green Bay at N.Y. Giants, noon FOX
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Jared Lorenzen will start if Eli Manning can’t go. Manning should be ashamed if Old Man Favre plays and he doesn’t.
THE LINE
Off
FINAL SHAKE
Giants
MATCHUP
Indianapolis at Tennessee, noon CBS
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Titans usually give the Colts fits, but something seems different about the Colts this year. Did you lose weight?
THE LINE
Colts by 7
FINAL SHAKE
Colts
MATCHUP
Buffalo at Pittsburgh, noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Bills have lost a slew of defensive players, so you fantasy losers should be on Red Alert for this one.
THE LINE
Steelers by 9 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Bills
MATCHUP
Houston at Carolina noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Texans have never started a season 2-0. And they won’t here.
THE LINE
Panthers by 6 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Panthers
MATCHUP
San Francisco at St. Louis, noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Rams have lost Orlando Pace, so pace yourselves out there. Ooo! Too soon, too soon …
THE LINE
Rams by 3
FINAL SHAKE
49ers
MATCHUP
Cincinnati at Cleveland, noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Bengals have won five straight in the Battle of Ohio. If Ohio were the prize, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight either.
THE LINE
Bengals by 6 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Bengals
MATCHUP
New Orleans at Tampa Bay, noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
QB Drew Brees is 3-0 vs. the Bucs. So this should be a … cakewalk. Gotcha!
THE LINE
Saints by 3 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Saints
MATCHUP
Atlanta at Jacksonville, noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Joey Harrington, I hope you’ve checked your insurance.
THE LINE
Jaguars by 10
FINAL SHAKE
Jaguars
MATCHUP
Dallas at Miami, 3:05 p.m.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
The Cowboys scored their most points since putting up 49 back in ’71. Not 1871, but I understand why you’d think that.
THE LINE
Cowboys by 3 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Da ‘Boys
MATCHUP
Minnesota at Detroit, 3:05 p.m.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
I still can’t believe these two are ahead of the Bears. That’s like finishing behind the Simpson girls on Grammy night.
THE LINE
Lions by 3
FINAL SHAKE
Vikes
MATCHUP
Seattle at Arizona, 3:05 p.m.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Alexander needs three rushing TDs to become the eighth RB to gain 100 in a career. Shaun Alexander, not that awful, awful Colin Farrell character.
THE LINE
Hawks by 3
FINAL SHAKE
Hawks
MATCHUP
N.Y. Jets at Baltimore, 3:15
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
All eyes will be on this game. All cameras, too, presumably.
THE LINE
Ravens by 10
FINAL SHAKE
Jets
MATCHUP
Oakland at Denver, 3:15
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Oakland had the best pass defense last season. The Broncos have one of the top CB tandems. Expect passing yards in the teens.
THE LINE
Broncos by 10
FINAL SHAKE
Raiders
MATCHUP
San Diego at New England, 7:15 p.m., NBC
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Boy, where were the Patriots when we needed visual proof of Ron Rivera’s “mental midget” insult?
THE LINE
Patriots by 3 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Chargers
MONDAY’S GAME
MATCHUP
Washington at Philadelphia, 7:30 p.m. ESPN
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
Donnie Mac is making his 100th career regular-season start. Philly fans will bake him a cake … to throw at him.
THE LINE
Eagles by 61/2
FINAL SHAKE
Eagles
