Brian Moore is always a welcome addition to the Fives. OK, you can let go of our arms now, Brian. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: REX GROSSMAN IS TO THE BEARS AS …
… Rex Grossman was to Florida.
… Whoopi Goldberg is to “The View.” Or “The View” is to Whoopi. I can’t tell who’s worse.
… a jackhammer is to peace and quiet.
… Milwaukee is to the Cubs. A pain in the butt most of the time and a pain the rest of the time.
… a triple cheeseburger is to a triple bypass.
TOPIC 2: WHAT HAVE THE CUBS PROVED OVER THE LAST FEW GAMES?
They will drive me insane for the next two weeks.
Even their worst pitcher would be better than Rex Grossman.
That Alfonso Soriano’s bat is quicker than Phil to a stack of Vogue magazines.
They are just good enough to make the playoffs so they can be crushed in the first round.
Absolutely nothing. Wake me up in a week if they’re still in it.
TOPIC 3: HOW DID BAG BOY REACT TO BRETT FAVRE BECOMING THE WINNINGEST QB in nfl history?
Took a head of cheese to the shooting range … and killed it.
He thanked the football gods for Rex, then clubbed himself unconscious.
An involuntary reflex sent a lamp through the TV.
Let’s just say he’s gonna need a new bag. And TV. And Urlacher jersey. And
Name sounds familiar. Wasn’t he arrested for something? No? Well, shouldn’t he be?
4. He shouldn’t worry. I’m pretty sure shanks have been eradicated from prison.
He’s doing research for “If I Did It 2: Attack of the Clowns.”
He’s the Pete Doherty of ex-NFL running backs.
Maybe the justice system actually will work this time and put that monster behind bars.
All this over his memorabilia? LIKE ANYONE WANTS HIS MEMORABILIA!
TOPIC 5: WHO ARE YOU SPYING ON AND WHY?
Heather Graham. The restraining order expired last week.
Grossman. I have reason to believe he’s a double agent.
Northwestern’s offense. Honestly, I want to know how it only scored 14 points on Duke.
Leo. After the Northwestern loss to mighty Duke, I’ve put him on suicide watch.
Brady Quinn. Although I prefer to call it “shopping.”
