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Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: PICK A BEAR AND TELL US WHAT HE’S DOING RIGHT NOW.
Cedric Benson. Calling the Hall of Fame to see if his bust is ready.
Devin Hester is suing for the right to return Rex Grossman’s interceptions.
Devin Hester is preparing to never see a punt sent his way the rest of the season.
Yogi is stealing picnic baskets in Jellystone.
Lance Briggs. Still on the phone with Geico, trying to get an estimate. It’s brutal.
TOPIC 2: HOW CAN NOTRE DAME WIN A GAME THIS SEASON?
They cannot. Cue hearty laughter.
Only divine intervention from Touchdown Jesus can save them now.
Suggestion 1: Limit fumbles to three per game. Suggestion 2: Weld offensive lineman together.
Two words: Oberlin College. But they’ll need to play in South Bend to edge my Yeomen.
Provided our armed forces get stretched even thinner, Navy and Air Force are winnable games.
TOPIC 3: WHAT’S WORSE, THE PATRIOTS VIDEO OR THE O.J. SIMPSON AUDIO?
The O.J. audio. Gee, I had no idea he had such a bad temper.
I don’t know, but heaven help Bill Belichick if he took spy video of O.J.!
C’mon, guys, let’s leave the judgment to our rock-solid, flawless legal system.
Hmm, Tom Brady’s killer good looks vs. O.J.’s killer — uh, never mind.
Apparently, what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. I swear, nothing is sacred anymore.
TOPIC 4: WHY DID A FASHION DESIGNER BuY THE 756 BALL?
Fashion designers love fake beauty.
Mark Ecko needs it as an accessory for Diddy’s next white party.
Because people in fashion are used to overpaying for something that’ll be useless in five years.
Is that a milestone baseball in your designer pants pocket, or …
He wanted to see how it looked in short skirts and sequins. The answer? Hot!
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S NEXT FOR JIM THOME?
600 home runs. The man is only 37, and he’s a DH. There’s time.
He pays Jermaine Dye and Bobby Jenks to carry him on his shoulders while he’s grocery shopping.
Like all Chicago greats, he hits No. 600 with the Texas Rangers.
First place in the Mr. Incredible look-alike contest.
Calling friends around baseball, asking “You guys need a DH next year? I’ve had it with these bozos!”
