Dear Abby: I’m a 30-year-old man, married a little more than three years, and I’m in serious financial trouble. I was laid off from my well-paying job almost two years ago, and I have been struggling to keep my head above water.
I found a job six months later but had to take a substantial cut in pay. I got a part-time job in the evenings, which means I work roughly 15 hours a day. The problem is, my wife gets very upset that I’m not home when the dogs act crazy, the toilet backs up, etc. I try to be sensitive to her needs, but she doesn’t even try to understand mine.
When I get home, it’s usually 9:30 and I am dog-tired. If my wife is still awake, she’ll dump on me about all the problems she had that night. Then I get blamed because I wasn’t home to help.
I have tried to stress that the second job is necessary, and that’s when the fireworks begin. She says I need to find a better first job that pays more, but I don’t have time to search for one. When I do have free time, I’m catching up on all the stuff I couldn’t do during the week.
I have suggested that we tighten our belts, (disconnect the cable TV, cancel the Internet, start shopping at discount retail centers), but all she gives me are excuses. She says that because she’s home all alone in the evenings, we “need” the cable TV. We also “need” the Internet so she can find materials for her classroom lesson plans (something she hardly does). And she refuses to shop at the discount stores.
I’m ready to leave the marriage. She can’t or won’t realize that I’m doing all I can to keep our cars, home, etc. Talking doesn’t help. It only leads to more arguments. I seriously need some advice.
— Worn-out Worker in Houston
Dear Worn Out: You and your wife are in two different worlds right now. You are living in a virtual war zone, and she is living in a state of denial. If your marriage is going to survive this rough patch, she needs to do some growing up — and fast — before you crack under the stress.
Cable TV and the Internet are luxuries she can forgo in the near term, shopping at discount retail centers is something the majority of the population does right now, and she should dump her frustrations on her girlfriends rather than on you. And if your wife can’t make those changes, then perhaps it would be better if you took a break from each other until she grows up.
Dear Abby: Please help me. My husband refuses to lock the doors at night. I lock them, and he goes and unlocks all of them and threatens he will take off all the locks. I don’t sleep at night anymore.
— Donna in Mentor, Ohio
Dear Donna: The first question that comes to mind is, is your husband in his right mind? If he isn’t losing it, then could he be playing cruel mind games with you?
I am assuming that Mentor, Ohio, has a police department. If I am right, it must be there for a reason. I recommend that you ask the police about the threat level in your community, then enlist their help in making your husband face reality. You deserve to feel safe in your own bed.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
