It’s panic time.
It’s a weekend full of heart attacks, hives, sweats, nervous ticks and strange rashes.
And that’s just the Cubs.
That’s not even acknowledging the possibility that the Bears’ season already may be over.
Yep, panic time there too.
But let’s go back. Of course the Cubs are going to make this playoffs chase life-shortening, heart-attack-inducing and lose-your-mind difficult. Fine. Thank God for the Brewers. It all boils down to who chokes more. I say it’s Milwaukee.
No, wait. The Cubs will choke, Milwaukee will take it, and finally we will be able to forget about 2003 because of this monstrosity.
Darn it, it’s always the Marlins. Hey, if you can’t beat these minor-leaguers, you don’t deserve to win it.
So, to survive this weekend, you’ll need: 1) an oxygen mask; 2) ice packs; 3) aspirin; and 4) lots of liquids.
And that prescription will be just enough to get you to Sunday. Imagine this: It comes down to the last day of the season, so you have to flip between the Cubs and Bears. Arrrggh!
But I digress.
There’s something that must be said and we’ve avoided it long enough: Rex, you have a bright future … in Canada. Look on the bright side — their McDonald’s have much more expansive menus.
I’m kidding of course. We all know Rex can play in the NFL as a third-stringer. Best of luck.
My suggestion: Market your own line of baseball caps. You’re going to be wearing them for a long time, my friend.
Also, thanks for the damage you did to our defense. Thanks to your turnovers, our defense was on the field way too much and we’ve lost — oh, let’s see — everybody.
Tommie Harris, Nate Vasher and Lance Briggs. That’s some damage, Rexy.
If it looks like everybody quit on you during the Cowboys game, it’s because they did. On behalf of the players, coaches, fans and all the children throughout this world, take a seat.
As for Brian Griese, welcome. Be smart, don’t turn it over, and make a couple of plays. See “Kyle Orton of 2005.” Don’t laugh, we were 11-5. I bet you’d kill for 11-5 this year.
Finally, so long, Mr. Bill Wirtz. I have to wonder if on some winter nights, when it was too cold to venture out to a Blackhawks game, if he ever popped on his TV and screamed in anguish, “Why aren’t they on TV?”
Only he knew.
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redeyesports@tribune.com
