As the saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. Especially with friends.
Sure, there are clean, organic breakups. Childhood pals who eventually grow apart. Or freshman hallmates who befriended each other on the first day of college but gravitate toward different parties, different social networks.
But what about when it’s one-sided? When you’ve decided that a friendship is toxic — more destructive than beneficial — how do you end it? A romantic breakup is socially accepted; the need to sever ties is understood. So, too, is a natural demise to friendship, a petering out over distance and time. But when there are no ordinary circumstances to facilitate a friend breakup, what does it mean to decide you’ve given up on someone? Is there an active way to cut yourself loose ?
First, an unreturned phone call and an ignored text message. Then a delayed e-mail, mildly apologetic, but, alas, life has been so hectic, so busy. You’ll get together soon, really! The use of exclamation points is intended to suggest sincerity, earnestness.
This, of course, is misleading. It’s the phase-out, the non-confrontational and oft-preferred method of ending relationships. Patti Kelley Criswell, co-author of “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles,” recommends this approach.
“To make it less formal is always preferable, because then there’s not formal rejection,” she says.
All well and good, but when this tactic is used in romantic relationships, it’s considered heartless. What gives? Presumably, “we only have one person that we’re sleeping with,” Criswell says. Friendships, by contrast, “are not monogamous; this isn’t your one person.”
As one 25-year-old D.C. resident recently discovered, the phase-out hinges on the other person’s taking the hint. Emily, who spoke anonymously, realized that a friendship had turned toxic when the woman repeatedly insulted her boyfriend and offended her other friends. So she began ignoring phone calls, texts and e-mails, hoping avoidance would signal the relationship’s demise.
It didn’t. The last time they spoke was when the friend called her at work from an unknown phone number.
“I picked up not knowing who it was. I made some random excuse to get off the line and then never called back,” she says. “You would think a person would get the hint, but clearly, no.”
Technology has added layers to the friendship conundrum. Although cell phones and social networking sites keep us more connected, tech companies are increasingly adding features that enable us to “rank” our buddies. Last year, T-Mobile launched a Fave 5 phone plan that allowed customers to choose five phone numbers to which they could apply unlimited minutes of service — ostensibly, to their favorite friends. Facebook recently added a “comparison” feature that allows users to rate friends, so Joe X may be listed as “kinder” than Sally Y.
But what about when friends don’t get the message? When they refuse to acknowledge their new status as former friend? Then a more active approach to “unfriending” may become necessary.
“Nobody wants to take responsibility for hurting someone else’s feelings,” says Marni Kamins, co-author of “The Breakup Repair Kit: How to Heal Your Broken Heart.” “You’re trying to do something good for yourself by not hanging out with this person, but you’d probably serve her best by saying, ‘Hanging out with you doesn’t make me feel good, and here’s why.’ “
A big part of breaking up with friends is self-reflection. Why the decision to pull out of this friendship? Is it them? Or is it you?
“Look carefully as to whether you’re off on some neurotic kick yourself or whether it’s just that you no longer need this particular person at this time,” says Howard Halpern, author of “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.” Deciding to end a friendship implies a level of self-awareness — a recognition that the friendship is making you unhappy — but it’s helpful to examine why.
For instance, Kamins has a friend whom she finds frustrating to be with because the friend frequently talks about calories and diets.
“It drives me crazy. I know these fries are fattening; stop reminding me,” she says. “But I don’t know if that’s something I need to tell her. Is she really a negative person, or does she just trigger my own issues?”
Sometimes, though, it definitely isn’t you, it’s them. We all have a friend like that, and he or she has a name: Underminer.
Mike Albo, who coined the term in his book “The Underminer,” describes that person as “the best friend who casually destroys your life.” In theory, they are friends with whom we should be breaking up. They’re negative; they knock us down. And yet there’s something fundamentally appealing about them.
Is that masochistic? Perhaps. But Albo says a breakup isn’t always necessary.
“Instead of cutting it off, you change the relationship,” he says. That means recognizing that your friend is an underminer and adjusting accordingly. Perhaps that involves not talking about your successes at work or withholding details of a great date. It’s also recognizing that, most likely, their competitive behavior toward you is rooted in insecurity.”
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5 TOXIC TYPES TO AVOID
Friends. They’re our cohorts, our confidants — we can’t live without ’em, right? But what of our pals who, instead of empowering us, make us feel a little less confident or a little more aggravated? That’s toxic. Here are five types to watch out for.
The Naysayer
You have a great idea for a new business venture: a piano bar cum sports pub. It’s a pipe dream, you know; you’ll probably never get the start-up capital to go forward, but the idea excites you anyway. Your friend laughs and says you must be kidding. “They’re not supportive. They tell you the ways it could possibly fail,” Marni Kamins, co-author of “The Breakup Repair Kit,” says of this kind of friend.
The Passive-Aggressive
Meet the classic underminer. This is the friend who notes aloud that you just got a new haircut but says nothing about whether it looks nice. “It’s the friend that strikes when you’re talking about your love life or when you’ve just achieved something,” says Mike Albo, author of “The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life” — and instead of making you feel good about yourself, he shoots you down.
The Peer Pressurer
You know the one. You’ve got to get up early Sunday to study for the LSAT. Your friend knows how important this test is to you. Yet when you try to exit the bar at midnight on Saturday, she calls you lame — stay for just one more beer! “They don’t respect your boundaries,” Kamins says. “They only want to do what’s best for them.”
The Plan Breaker
The two of you are on for Saturday night dinner: pizza and beer while you test out your Nintendo Wii. Whoops, no, you’re not: A co-worker has invited him to a game. Sorry — those dinner plans weren’t definite, were they? “They say they have plans with you, and then they’re subject to change at the last minute,” Kamins says.
The ‘You’re Making Me Into a Bad Friend’ Friend
It’s hard to place, but something doesn’t feel right when you’re with her. You feel anxious or competitive. “Do you silently cheer when bad things happen to her?” asks Patti Kelley Criswell, co-author of “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles.” “Do you feel guilty afterward because you said things or thought things that you know are not what good people do? A toxic relationship is one that brings out the worst in you.”
