The Bears have taken over the Cubs’ job of making Monday really feel like Monday. Oh well, cheer yourself up by signing up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Scott Kleinberg
Brian Moore
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: ADRIAN PETERSON IS TO THE CHICAGO BEARS WHAT …
… a torpedo is to a whale that’s already dying.
… prostate exam would be to a hemorrhoids patient.
… Aramis Ramirez is to the Pittsburgh Pirates.
… Cedric Benson is not to the Bears.
… my coffee table is to my TV screen after watching that game!
TOPIC 2: WHAT DID WE LEARN ABOUT THE BEARS ON SUNDAY?
They are who we thought they were.
For once the defense is to blame. Somehow I don’t think they’ll find that comforting.
We learned that the Bears and the Cubs might be the same exact team.
They are not who we thought they were before the season. They stink.
There’s no such thing as a gimme game. The Vikings had to work for this one.
TOPIC 3: OFFER SOME WELL WISHES TO NEW REDS MANAGER DUSTY BAKER.
Good luck not getting fired during your first 90-loss season.
May you get five outs from the World Series.
Good luck, Dusty. This mediocre team needs a mediocre manager like you. Now go get ’em!
Welcome back. Try not to play the race card this time when you get fired after a crappy season.
I hope you have the same kind of success at Wrigley you had while you were here.
TOPIC 4: AT THIS RATE, WHO WILL END UP RANKED NO. 1 IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL?
Kansas. Why not?
Vassar. (Psst, that’s a women’s college.)
I’d say the Chicago Bears, but they’ll likely finish No. 7.
South Florida. Wow. Who even knew they know how to put their shoes on down there?
Notre Dame … HAHAHAHAHAHA!
TOPIC 5: HOW WILL YOU FEEL IF JEFF GORDON WINS THE NEXTEL CUP?
The same way I’d feel if an invisible tree fell in a non-existent forest.
It may force me to change my cellular service.
I will be thrilled. I almost wore my full-color DuPont jacket today. Huge fan, I am.
A nice guy finishing first. You’ll get no complaints from me.
Can he tackle?
