It’s getting nippy in Chicago. Good thing chicagosports.com’s Rahula Strohl and the Evil Super Computer are each other’s cuddle buddy. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Rahula Strohl
EVIL
SUPER
COMPUTER
TOPIC 1: HOW WOULD YOU FIX THE BEARS?
Only play Devin Hester. Only draft relatives of Devin Hester.
“Fixing” them sounds like a great threat. Don’t make me call Bob Barker.
If only there were another
Adrian Peterson the defense could take its aggression out on.
Phillips-head screwdriver and needle-nose pliers. And Derek Anderson.
Certainly not those goons at Geek Squad. They touched me in an inappropriate manner.
TOPIC 2: IS THERE EVER AN EXCUSE FOR LEAVING A TEAM DURING THE SEASON?
For a catastrophic injury, pregnant wife or if you’re just a damn fool.
That’s a terrible, unsportsmanlike thing to do. Unless it’s Notre Dame.
It really depends on whether you’re a member of the White Sox.
Pregnancy.
No. This is precisely why I enslave you humans.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WOULD CONVINCE YOU TO TESTIFY AGAINST O.J.?
I wouldn’t pay a dime over $1,000.
He’s dangerous, but also not too bright. I got it: the Witless Protection Program.
The chance to see my name and picture on tmz.com roughly 34,928 times a day.
A cupcake with sprinkles. But lots of sprinkles.
Nothing. The man is a visionary.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DANE COOK’S BASEBALL PLAYOFF PROMOS?
I wouldn’t pay a dime over $1,000.
He’s dangerous, but also not too bright. I got it: the Witless Protection Program.
The chance to see my name and picture on tmz.com roughly 34,928 times a day.
A cupcake with sprinkles. But lots of sprinkles.
Nothing. The man is a visionary.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DANE COOK’S BASEBALL PLAYOFF PROMOS?
Confirms that he’s not funny and baseball is desperate for males, 18 to 34 years old.
No comedian has screamed that much to mask being unfunny since Sam Kinison.
There’s only ONE mute button.
I try not to think of Dane Cook. It enrages me.
If that’s the IQ level you’re going for, wouldn’t someone named Homer Simpson be a better fit?
TOPIC 5: HOW DID SOUTH FLORIDA GET TO BE RANKED NO. 2 IN THE BCS?
While compiling data, a computer glitch left out the word “South.”
That’s some bull. No, really, that’s their mascot.
They found the sword of destiny. Also, they didn’t choke against Stanford or Oregon State.
Evil Super Computer’s buddies are trying to force a playoff system.
Uh … next question. I’m calling my lawyer.
