We’ve got a lot on our minds here at Five on Five. We’re deep thinkers — as in, should we get the 12-inch deep dish or the 15? Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Adam Caldarelli
BAG BOY
TOPIC 1: WHY WASN’T REX GROSSMAN TRADED?
For the same reason Leo can’t get a date just by saying he’s free Saturday night.
I keep hearing this repetitive voice that says, “Rex Grossman is our backup quarterback.”
His ass is too valuable as a bench scrubber.
Because the Bears already have an office pencil sharpener.
Jerry Angelo was offering draft picks and Grossman just to have him gone. No one bit.
TOPIC 2: TIM DONAGHY WILL PAY $30,000 IN RESTITUTION. WHERE WILL THE MONEY GO?
A back yard in Jersey.
Hopefully that ill-gotten gambling money will help fund the state lottery.
It will be used to match funds collected from the Rasheed Wallace Swear Jar.
On the Spurs to repeat.
Various charities. Plus the Bonanno, Lucchese, Gambino and Colombo crime families.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN A PLAYER CLEANS OUT HIS LOCKER?
It means his mother’s coming to visit the locker room.
Maybe Kobe’s being traded. Or he’s having a garage sale to raise money for a power forward.
The Yankees are replacing him with a different overpriced, underperforming veteran.
It means Luol Deng will be a Laker by Monday.
It means there is a wonderful career selling insurance a
waiting him.
TOPIC 4: COME UP WITH A NAME FOR AN ATHLETIC SHOE.
Steroids (Ad slogan: “Now you can be on Steroids, and everybody will be jealous”)
The Signing Bonus. Don’t tell me I don’t know how to market to kids.
The Ocho Cinco — complete with whistles, streamers and a rocket launcher.
Air Archuleta. They’re expensive, but they double as seat cushions while you’re on the bench.
I’ve devised a lightweight, long-distance shoe running for marathoners. It’s “The Kenyan.”
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S A BOSTON RED SOX FAN THINKING TODAY?
“Thank God I’m not a Cubs fan. Or a Yankee fan. Or one of Michael Vick’s dogs.”
“Is today bath day?”
Females: “We need a miracle.” Males: “Maybe Tom Brady will date me if I wear sexier lingerie.”
“Dane Cook is still freakin’
wicked awesome.”
“Thank God for the Patriots.”
