Was that really a Bears game at Soldier Field on Sunday or did Halloween come early? Get ’em, guys. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Stick Figure
TOPIC 1: THE BEARS HAVE A DISEASE. MAKE A DIAGNOSIS.
Crapola Syndrome — often found in teams relying on a QB signed by Jerry Angelo.
It’s called DNR — Do Not Resuscitate.
An acute case of Lion-itis. THIS IS … KITNA?!?
Overrated Running Back-itis. The Bears have a history of acquiring this one.
They have the heebie-jeebies and they’re giving it to me!
TOPIC 2: IS THE SEASON OVER? WHY OR WHY NOT?
It was over the day they traded Thomas Jones.
Bears can still win the rest of their games. And I quote the Evil Super Computer: “HAHAHAHA!”
In a division where Detroit is 5-2? Definitely not over.
Oh, no, it’s just the beginning — and the end. Why so ambiguous? Why not?
No, it never ends. Wabbit season! Duck season! Wabbit season! Duck season …
TOPIC 3: IF THE RED SOX WERE AN ANIMAL, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
A lion or … wait, who’s writing today’s questions, Dr. Phil?
You’re assuming they’re not already an animal. Have you seen Kevin Youkilis?
A scorpion. A bearded scorpion.
A yappy Yorkie that is cute at first, then you want it to accidentally run through a wood chipper.
Drumroll please … a unicorn!
TOPIC 4: WHAT IS KOBE BRYANT WORTH?
To the Bulls? Nothing. He’d ruin this team. Just walk away and pretend this never happened.
If we’re talking overhyped guards that can’t carry a team, we can trade Ben Gordon.
Luol Deng, Ty Thomas and a first-round pick. Let’s be reasonable here.
He isn’t worth the paper Phil’s answers are written on. Mine, on the other hand …
I have some heebie-jeebies, and they’re priced to move!
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S YOUR COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN?
To honor the Bears season, I’m going as Bag Boy.
I’m going as Jimmy. I’m shaving my head and wearing the cheapest thing from L.L. Bean.
I’m going as Jimmy. Picking the right tutu was a bit of a challenge.
The usual: Angry, frustrated, middle-finger-waving athlete. OK, fantasy athlete.
I am the most interesting man in the world. And I drink Dos Equis.
