The leaves are turning and so are Bears fans’ stomachs. Don’t look to these five commentators for relief. Do sign up to join the gang on Fridays at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT NFL RECORD WILL FALL THIS SUNDAY?
Jimmy Greenfield: Bill Belichick will not smile for the 122nd straight game.
Phil Thompson: “Must Be The Money” by Deion Sanders. Never should have been recorded in the first place.
Leo Ebersole: Cincinnati’s Rudi Johnson sets the mark for “fantasy owners enrolled in therapy by significant other.”
Brian Moore: Number of sexual innuendoes Tracy invents for players: tight end, long snapper, slot receiver, etc.
Tracy Swartz: Tony Romo’s scoring streak. Jersey girls prefer to canoodle at the mall.
TOPIC 2: WILL THE BEARS’ OFFENSE GET HEALTHY AGAINST OAKLAND?
Jimmy Greenfield: About as healthy as a terminal patient can get.
Phil Thompson: Get “healthy”? No HMO in the nation would take on that case.
Leo Ebersole: Yes. It will upgrade from “plague” to “outbreak.”
Brian Moore: Whoa, hold on. Did the Bears trade for a new running back and I didn’t hear about it?
Tracy Swartz: No way — Griese’s not a group on the food pyramid.
TOPIC 3: DESCRIBE THE TYPICAL RAIDERS FAN.
Jimmy Greenfield: Imagine if Phil and Tracy had a child — but sadly with Phil’s looks and Tracy’s brains.
Phil Thompson: Much like Brian, just a lot more stable, with more face paint and the same studded leather belts.
Leo Ebersole: Just your average, twice-paroled Road Warriors look-alike.
Brian Moore: Bearded, fat, slovenly dressed. You know, like Bears fans except they wear silver and black.
Tracy Swartz: They’re like Cynthia Nixon. 49ers fans just keep them around to feel better about themselves.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HEISMAN TROPHY CANDIDATE DENNIS DIXON?
Jimmy Greenfield: I know that with a name like that, he ought to be an accountant.
Phil Thompson: As an Oregon Duck, he is the most ridiculous looking Heisman candidate in history.
Leo Ebersole: Like Fidel Castro, only not a dictator. Or bearded. They both wear ugly uniforms.
Brian Moore: Well, if he’s a Heisman candidate, he must not play for Notre Dame.
Tracy Swartz: He’s a Duck — but not in the watch-out-Dick-Cheney’s-got-a-gun way.
TOPIC 5: HOW WILL YOU WELCOME THE CIRCUS TO THE UNITED CENTER NEXT WEEK?
Jimmy Greenfield: Once again, I shall attempt to release all the elephants. Viva la pachyderm!
Phil Thompson: I would have Jimmy and a dozen of his relatives climb out of a VW Bug.
Leo Ebersole: By doing Ringling Bros. a favor and funneling them a few Indiana fans. Go Cats.
Brian Moore: I’ll have Leo dress up as a clown — more so than usual — and have him march in the parade.
Tracy Swartz: Send in the clowns! Let’s hope Tyra Banks and Janice Dickinson are free.
