Leave it to professional sports to remind us to be thankful for what’s really important in life: our nation’s court system. Well, trypto-fans, there have been so many players, coaches and owners vying to be “sports turkey” that our list is stuffed like Mike Holmgren after Thanksgiving dinner. And can you believe it? No Terrell Owens or Randy Moss on this year’s list.
TOP TURKEYS
Barry Bonds and Michael Vick
How can we choose? One, Bonds, was indicted on ch arges of perjury — lying to a grand jury about taking steroids — mere weeks after claiming baseball’s most hallowed record, the all-time home-run record. The other has pleaded guilty to federal dogfighting charges after initially boasting he’d have his day in court to clear his name. Santa doesn’t make enough lumps of coal for these two.
LOSING HIS HEAD AWARD
Carlos Zambrano
The Cubs ace pointed to his head and vowed “I will remember that,” after fans at Wrigley Field booed him during an 11-3 loss on Sept. 3. Zambrano later apologized, but that wasn’t his only public relations blot this season. Big Z had a dust-up in the dugout with then-Cubs catcher Michael Barrett, who later had a war of words with Rich Hill in another dugout incident.
BIRDS OF A FEATHER AWARD
Stephon Marbury
Gotta hand it to Starbury. This turkey really stuck out his neck for Michael Vick. “You know, from what I understand, dogfighting is a sport,” Marbury told reporters at first, but later recanted. Even after backing away from that statement, the Knicks guard told the New York Post: “It’s the ESPN Michael Vick torture channel.”
Bonus points: He also was a key figure in the sexual harassment lawsuit against coach Isiah Thomas. And he missed a game and practices last week when the Knicks benched him.
COCK OF THE WALK award
Tony Romo
First he’s dating Carrie Underwood. Then he’s linked to Sophia Bush, according to reports. Then he’s partying with Britney Spears and playing Guitar Hero against Carmen Electra. For a guy who was an NFL nobody just two seasons ago, he’s all over Hollywood’s radar. His recent six-year, $67.5 million contract and 9-1 record ensures he’ll keep rivaling A-Rod for media attention.
IT’S ALL GRAVY, BABY AWARD
Travis Henry
Court documents in a Georgia child-support case revealed the Broncos running back had fathered nine children by nine women in four states, and that he had been ordered to pay child support for seven of them. Several media outlets reported that Henry had to borrow money from his former team, the Titans, to pay his support.
Bonus points: Henry is fighting a one-year suspension for failing an NFL drug test.
DEEP-FRIED TURKEY award
Lance Briggs
The Bears linebacker crashed his Lambourghini on the Edens Expressway — which he later admitted he left there. And that’s after he engaged the Bears in an off-season-long contract feud.
REST OF THE FLOCK
Brian Urlacher
The “loquacious” Bears linebacker has mastered the terse response at news conferences. Exhibit A: The Bears gave up 425 yards to Seattle. Urlacher’s analysis? “Too many yards.”
Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones
A suspension. A strip club shooting that allegedly involves him. Pro wrestling. He’s going for a lifetime achievement award.
George Steinbrenner
He left beloved Yankees manager Joe Torre in limbo over his contract, then offered him a pay cut.
Bill Belichick
His grumpy demeanor alone would earn the Patriots head coach this award, but the NFL caught his staff videotaping the opposing team’s signals.
Kobe Bryant
Briggs’ contract turmoil is a walk in the park compared to Bryant’s affair with the Lakers. Some blamed his rumored trade to Chicago for distracting the sluggish Bulls.
Mark Cuban
He competed on “Dancing With The Stars” and openly campaigned to become the Cubs’ next owner. ‘Nuff said.
Scott Boras
He ruffled baseball’s feathers, upstaging the World Series by announcing Alex Rodriguez would opt out of his Yankees contract. Then he reportedly demanded 10 years, $350 million — as a starting point — for A-Rod.
Tony Stewart
The NASCAR star has a talent for cursing on air. He was fined $25,000 for a TV interview in which he thanked his fans, who “take all the [bleep] from everybody else.” He told ESPN cameras, “Get the [bleep] away from me,” at Kansas Speedway.
