Triage kit? Check. Nausea medication? Check. OK, our guys are ready for Bears Thursday night football. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Leo Ebersole
Phillip Thompson
Adam Caldarelli
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: HELP MOTIVATE THE BEARS FOR THEIR GAME AGAINST THE REDSKINS.
Just three more wins and you’re bowl-eligible.
Seriously, don’t beat my Redskins. That would be pretty messed up of you.
Win, and Congress will exile the deadbeat Bear of your choice. (Psst … Adam Archuleta!)
Four games to go! Four games to go! (Three after tonight! Three after tonight!)
If you win Thursday, we’ll let you wear jeans on Friday!
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S DIFFERENT ABOUT BEARS FOOTBALL ON THURSDAY?
Normally, I wash my hair on Thursday nights.
The disappointment in the offense sets in much, much earlier.
Loss Thursday. Drink Friday. Hangover Saturday. All Bears games should be Thursdays.
Instead of ruining the start of your week, they ruin the end of it.
A loss Friday morning is much easier to absorb than the usual ones Monday morning.
TOPIC 3: WHAT BLOCKBUSTER PERSONNEL MOVE CAN THE WHITE SOX OR CUBS MAKE?
The Cubs can start by making just one deal that doesn’t include the immortal Omar Infante.
The Pirates are dangling Jason Bay. Wait, that sounded weird.
Their only blockbuster deal: rent one baseball movie, get “Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch” for free.
Fukudome if I know.
Sox: Hire the Tigers’ Dave Dombrowski. Whatever it takes, he’s killing us. Cubs: Sell it all — quickly.
TOPIC 4: START CAMPAIGNING FOR YOUR HEISMAN FAVORITE.
Fine, I’ll see you guys in Iowa.
No one player led his team to greatness, so you look at numbers. Tebow’s got the numbers.
Tim Tebow: Great player, better nickname. “Vote for T-Bone: The steaks couldn’t be higher.”
Is Rashaan Salaam up for it again?
That Doug Flutie is so friggin’ cute! Oh, this year. Um, I have no idea.
TOPIC 5: INVENT A SPORT IN WHICH YOU NEED SNOW.
Yellowball. It’s dodgeball using snow from dog parks.
University of Miami football, circa 1986.
Uh, snowball. Been around for years, people.
Competitive sick day.
Driveway shoveling. The caveat: You need people too stupid to not live in warm weather. Hard to find.
