If you don’t understand what Tracy’s saying, you’re out of luck: There’s no dictionary for that. Want to join the fun? E-mail redeyesports@tribune.com.
TOPIC 1: IF THE BEARS ARE MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED THIS WEEKEND I WILL …
Jimmy: … subtract 10 years from my life.
Scott: … Not do another math problem for as long as I live.
Phil: … sign up for the course, “NFC North division by substraction,” at Halas Hall.
Tracy: … replace the Bears with mathletes, who probably already score more.
Stick Figure: Math is our friend. Except for mine, he told me. Sigh.
TOPIC 2: WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BECOME A HAWKS FAN?
Jimmy: Always have been, always will be. That said, I wouldn’t mind a Stanley Cup now and then.
Scott: If every jersey featured a working iPhone, I wouldn’t care.
Phil: A hefty check. Not the bank kind, but the kind a 6-foot Hawks enforcer will lay on Jimmy.
Tracy: This may be Hawkward, but I prefer Bucktown to Buckhead.
Stick Figure: Isn’t that the team that wears the big red Santa suits?
TOPIC 3: USE “FUKUDOME” IN A SENTENCE.
Jimmy: Hold the mustard but give me extra Fukudome.
Scott: Do you think next year’s Super Bowl will be held at the Fukudome?
Phil: Here goes: Using Fukudome in a sentence can get you fired. Even at RedEye.
Tracy: When Fukudome arrives in the U.S., it will be a Domecoming.
Stick Figure: Mr. Fukudome, do they have ice cream in Japan? And why are you looking at me like that?
TOPIC 4: IF YOU WERE A BASEBALL PLAYER HOW WOULD YOU SPEND YOUR OFF-SEASON?
Jimmy: Taking my millions and spending it on legal fees, just to fit right in.
Scott: If I was a Cub, I’d play a full season on the ol’ Xbox and actually win for once.
Phil: As far away from Kenny Williams as possible. No offense, Kenny.
Tracy: They’ll be looking for their wives to wave them in.
Stick Figure: What’s the off-season. Is there an on-season? Didn’t think so, goobers!
TOPIC 5: WHAT GIFT DO YOU GET FOR THE CHICAGO ATHLETE WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
Jimmy: You’re kidding, right? No Chicago athlete can possible have everything.
Scott: A gift certificate to Chipotle … You can never have enough burritos.
Phil: For Ben Gordon, special infrared goggles to help with shooting. I call it the Bulls Eye.
Tracy: Boyfriend trousers for Jo Noah. Pantsed!
Stick Figure: Sorry about that goobers crack. Although I could really go for some Goobers right now …
