RedEye has its own version of the Mitchell Report. Paul Mitchell says Scott’s hair is to die for! Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Scott Kleinberg
EvilSuperComputer
TOPIC 1: DO THE BEARS HAVE ANYTHING TO PLAY FOR MONDAY NIGHT?
Their self-respect, which they forgot to pack when they left Bourbonnais.
Draft position. And if they play much worse, it will be a military draft.
All I’m saying is, the Matt Ryan Derby started two weeks ago.
Absolutely. The QBs are betting a dozen gingerbread cookies on the outcome.
What are these Purple People Eaters I’ve been hearing about? Let me update my Xmas list.
TOPIC 2: UIC HAS CITY BRAGGING RIGHTS OVER DEPAUL. WHAT CAN THEY DO WITH THEM?
Exchange it for one free pie from Due’s pizzeria. Tip not included.
Winner gets first dibs on city hall kickbacks.
UIC-ers can now pass through DePaul’s campus with their gyros held high.
Times are tough. Each UIC student gets a $2 off coupon for the Sears Tower Skydeck.
Flames over Demons? Decisions, decisions.
TOPIC 3: ANDY PETTITTE ADMITTED USING HGH. WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO HIM?
“You only told the ‘truth’ after you were outed. Why should we believe you now?”
“You’ve grown so much as a human being. But then again, it was human growth hormone.”
“Listen, Andy, I know you say you’re off the stuff, but there’s this guy I need you to head-butt …”
“Andy, I couldn’t tell. You really weren’t any better on the juice.”
“You want a tissue, Mr. Remorseful?”
TOPIC 4: SOME PLAYERS MISTAKENLY WERE listed ON THE MITCHELL REPORT. how can we MAKE IT UP TO THEM?
DVDs of all Mitchell brothers porn.
Whenever Leo’s falsely accused, he pictures Sen. Mitchell naked. And he’s accused often.
By giving them a pat on their scrawny, pimple-free, girly-man backs.
Have Sen. Mitchell come by their homes and read them ” ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.”
Slap your forehead and say, “Dope!”
TOPIC 5: SHOPPERS NEED YOUR HELP: HOW WOULD YOU GET A WII BEFORE CHRISTMAS?
I know a guy who knows a guy. Call me.
Don’t worry; our Constitution tells the government to “Wii the people.”
Pose as a Wii-po man.
I know what doesn’t work: Standing in the middle of Michigan Avenue dressed like a “Wii-mote.”
In my Wii, all humans simulate busting rocks! HAHAHAHAHA!
