Chicagosports.com’s Adam Caldarelli doesn’t need to buy you Christmas gifts. He lets you live another day — that’s your gift! Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Supriya Doshi
Adam Caldarelli
TOPIC 1: IS THERE ANY PLACE FOR COMEDY IN SPORTS?
Gee, what’s there to make fun of?
Ask the groupies.
Not if this page is any indication.
Uh, yeah. Anytime the Bears’ QBs are on the field.
None. Zero. Have you read this space before?
TOPIC 2: WHAT DOES AGENT ZERO DO WHEN HE’S NOT PLAYING BASKETBALL?
Hangs out with his brothers, Sprite and Ground.
He’s in court, fighting Scott Boras’ legal claim to the name.
He arm wrestles the Dos Equis guy for the title of “Most Interesting Man on Earth.”
Thinks of more stupid nicknames for himself.
Whines to anyone who will listen about not being a first-round draft pick.
TOPIC 3: IF BILL PARCELLS RETURNED TO FOOTBALL, WHAT would be THE FIRST THING HE’D DO?
Stipulate he’ll never finish above 5-11 and take his $2 million severance.
He’d have to get back in shape by mauling the nearest rookie.
Take to calling himself “Big Tuna.” If it’s an office job, anyway.
Announce his next retirement.
Probably not launch Big Tunaz Kennels.
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S ONE METHOD COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WOULD USE TO CHEAT AT SCHOOL?
They can take a class in paranormal behavior and learn ESPN.
Little-known fact: A rolled-up answer sheet fits pretty nicely into a steroids syringe.
I’d say “enroll at Auburn,” but their football players don’t actually go to school.
You mean they actually go to class? Are you sure?
Cheat at school? Do they even go to class?
TOPIC 5: THE N.Y. DAILY NEWS PRINTED FULL-PAGE ‘FIRE ISIAH’ SIGNS. WHAT SHOULD REDEYE PRINT?
T-shirts that say: “I Slept With A Chicago Bear And Didn’t Get Pregnant”
“Fire Everybody”
“Re-Lobotomize Jimmy”
“Shave Kyle”
“Fire Ron Turner” signs would be a start.
