Dear Santa,
We’ve been more bad than good this year, so we don’t expect much. But if you’ve really seen us when we’re sleeping, then you saw both games against the Lions and Vikings and you already know that.
Please bring every member of our coaching staff and roster hand-held mirrors so they can see exactly whom to blame for this less-than-festive season.
If you could slip in whatever cures a Super Bowl hangover, too, that would be great.
Make sure Lovie Smith gets whatever he asked for, or else you’ll be hearing from agent Frank Bauer. A gallon of paint for the Super Bowl window that just closed also would be OK.
Rex Grossman needs a compass because right now he’s not sure what direction his career is headed. Brian Griese would like some credit, and he promises to share it with Ron Turner.
Forget bringing Muhsin Muhammad anything. Everything at his house should go to his kids because he now has six after nobly adopting two from Ethiopia.
Brian Urlacher could use a thesaurus. If you do bring Lance Briggs anything — he has been too naughty to assume you will — make it green, his favorite color.
Greg Olsen would like the ball. Robbie Gould could use a Carrie Underwood CD, but they’re just friends.
Kyle Orton still has the razor you gave him two years ago, but you can’t have enough sharp ones. Tell him not to use it until after the Saints game, though, in case it’s as cold as it was against the Packers and he needs the extra insulation.
Cedric Benson will need a scale. Jerry Angelo could use an erector set to practice his (re)building skills.
Finally, leave everybody in the locker room an appetite. Nobody has been hungry in months.
The Bears
– – –
Dear Santa,
You may need some extra reindeer or a bigger bag to accommodate all we need. We were supposed to be challenging for the Eastern Conference championship, not firing our coach on Christmas Eve.
After Monday, of course, we need a new coach. And we need Ben Wallace to rebound and guard like Rudolph’s nose glows — with intensity. We need Luol Deng to develop into the post scorer we still don’t have.
Kirk Hinrich could use a copy of the instructional manual Point Guard Play 101. Who cares if he’s not a true point guard? Cross-court, one-handed passes were taboo in middle-school games.
Could you please take Ben Gordon to the elves’ workshop and help him fix his shot? It’s broken.
Joakim Noah needs a new watch. His habitual tardiness and occasional lack of focus is holding back an energetic player who, while limited offensively, could contribute more frequently.
Do you still have those Kevin Garnett souvenir Bulls jerseys? Burn those, please. And pack a Garnett voodoo doll for general manager John Paxson, who still thinks his offer to acquire the glue for the Eastern Conference’s best team was better than that of the Celtics.
Maybe a cloning machine can fit down the chimney. We need one to duplicate that 6-foot-7-inch bundle of manic intensity named Andres Nocioni.
Oh, and the United Center needs new rims. The old ones are badly dented by our bricks.
Or instead of all that, can we borrow your beard? If this continues, we’ll need some disguises.
Thanks,
The Bulls
– – –
Dear Santa,
On behalf of the Cubs, I’m pleased to submit the following Christmas list, which is final and non-negotiable. As per our agreement, please enter through bleacher gate, as there is no chimney at Wrigley Field. Do not park sled and/or reindeer on newly sodded field, per orders of the Sodfather. Elves and media not allowed in the trainer’s room, weight room or clubhouse kitchen. Cookies and Red Bull on kitchen counter for your pleasure.
Thanking you in advance,
Donald Fehr, MLB Players Association
Cubs’ list of goodies:
1 pair moon shoes (large)
2 pairs boxing gloves
1 boxing lesson
1 copy “Charlie Brown Anthology”
25 copies “Our Team, Our Dream,” by Tammy Lechner
25 Billy Goat Tavern T-shirts (extra large)
1 Mr. Microphone
1 hot tub (plus 1 pair deck shoes)
1 boom box
25 bats (non-corked variety)
1 “Bad News Bears” DVD (original version)
1 “This Old Cub” DVD
1 “The Bronx Is Burning” DVD
1 copy “Harry Caray: Voice of the Fans”
1 dugout water fountain
25 bowling shirts
1 contribution to Project 3000 ($5,000 or more)
10 cases Bazooka Joe bubble gum (sugarless)
1 Dora the Explorer backpack (pink)
1 wooden plank (plywood)
25 one-year subscriptions to “The Heckler”
6 pairs leg warmers
1 autographed photo Ronnie Woo
5 gloves (gold)
1 owner
1 world championship
– – –
Dear Santa,
I know we weren’t on our best behavior last summer. We wish the best of holidays for singer Patti LaBelle, and we’re sorry if she and her entourage remain upset over how a few players acted at that Philadelphia restaurant last June.
You’ll be relieved to know we aren’t scheduled to return to Philadelphia next season. We’ve shown better sportsmanship, as our catcher hasn’t come close to stepping on the foot of Minnesota’s first baseman since last May’s incident.
And he knows better than to agitate our hitting coach as he did last August.
But we didn’t criticize Torii Hunter after he took more money and ran to Anaheim despite all the man-love we gave him and boatloads of dough we offered him.
Speaking of Hunter, we still could use some serviceable gifts. Our general manager is talking to reporters again, so I guess that means he’s open to suggestions.
Can you tell Minnesota to make a decision regarding Johan Santana now so we can find out whether we’re getting Coco Crisp?
We also could use some warm weather in April. Our batters were colder than the December gusts off Lake Michigan last April. We open the 2008 season at Cleveland and Detroit, and we’ll need all the help we can get, especially with the weather and facing 2007 Cy Young Award winner C.C. Sabathia on Opening Day.
There’s a saying that you go with the girl who loves you most, and Glendale looks like that hot model. So if you can find a team to replace us in Tucson after this spring, we would appreciate it.
After losing 90 games last season, any improvement would be better than putting lipstick on a pig.
The White Sox
– – –
Dear Santa,
It wasn’t long ago that many of these Blackhawks were running down the stairs in their pajamas to discover what you’d left under the tree. Here are their wish lists:
For Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews: United Center sellouts so if (when?) they eventually raise the teenagers’ numbers to the rafters, more people can say they saw them during their formative years.
For Adam Burish: The numbers to back up how hard he plays.
For Patrick Sharp: Sunglasses. With his talent and looks, his future is incredibly bright.
For Tuomo Ruutu: A different jogging path.
For Sergei Samsonov: A goal. Just one. Please?
For Duncan Keith: Recognition as one of the NHL’s top young defensemen.
For Brent Seabrook: See Duncan Keith.
For Martin Lapointe: A wing in the Hall of Fame for Team Leaders.
For Martin Havlat: A protective bubble so he stays healthy.
For James Wisniewski: His two front teeth. Or three or four, however many the defenseman has given for his team.
For Dustin Byfuglien: A pronunciation guide for arena public address announcers.
For Nikolai Khabibulin: A chance to demonstrate to his Hawks teammates the proper technique for hoisting the Stanley Cup.
For Denis Savard: A nice guy finishing first.
For Dale Tallon: A postseason NHL series. In Chicago.
For John McDonough: Even more success than he had with the Cubs.
For Rocky Wirtz: Continued good feelings from Hawks fans.
For the rest of the crew: Peace, love and some minutes on the power play.
The Blackhawks
