Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Brian Moore
Evil SuperComputer
TOPIC 1: TELL US SOMETHING WE’D BE SURPRISED TO LEARN ABOUT ONE OF THE UPCOMING BOWL GAMES.
The Rose Bowl isn’t the granddaddy of them all. Don’t forget how the Bastard Bowl got its name.
For some reason, my proposal for the R. Kelly “Fiesta” Fiesta Bowl didn’t wow advertisers.
Michigan will NOT be Wolfgang Luck against Florida.
None of them actually involve a bowl.
Judging by skin tone, Mike Ditka invented the Orange Bowl.
TOPIC 2: PICK AN ATHLETE AND TELL US HIS OR HER NEW YEAR’S EVE PLANS.
Mike Brown will make lavish plans, but his night will be cut short by a torn gasket.
Travis Henry will deny a paternity claim by the Baby New Year.
As usual, Rex’s game will be marred by incomplete passes.
Devin Hester will watch the ball drop in New York, catch it, then bring it to Chicago by midnight.
While his peers settle for champagne, A-Rod will request a Tila Tequila shot.
TOPIC 3: YOU’RE ON THE PSYCHIATRIST’S COUCH: HOW DO THE BEARS MAKE YOU FEEL?
Angry. Resentful. Hurt. The same way I always feel after unrequited love goes awry.
They’ve taken me from Pro Bowl to Prozac.
Sad. The Bears experienced a worse bowl cut than Tootie on the “Facts of Life.”
I stopped caring about the Bears long ago. You should too.
Furious. Now how am I supposed to get off this couch?
TOPIC 4: JOSE CANSECO IS WRITING A SEQUEL TO ‘JUICED.’ WHAT SHOULD THE TITLE BE?
“I’m Crazy as Hell, but That Doesn’t Mean I’m Wrong.”
“Juicier: Sex, Drugs, Back Taxes — I’ll Spill It All for Attention!”
“Juice Bumps.”
Duh, “Juiced II: Electric Boogaloo.”
“My Little Phonies”
TOPIC 5: WHAT DO YOU THINK IS IN SERENA WILLIAMS’ FLU REMEDY?
Acetaminophen.
She preys on the weak, low-ranked tennis players in the herd.
Turning off the TV. That’s what I do when I get nauseous from Serena.
She extracts the flu molecules by hand and then crushes them with her horse-sized calves.
She chews on rusty nails. Therefore, I am in love with her.
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With 2008 upon us, here’s to new beginnings. No, we’re not talking a rehab center, but doesn’t that say a lot about the times we live in? Sign up at redeyesports@tribune.com.
